Advice re significant others disapproving of gambling

[DK528]

Hi everyone, I am hoping someone here has had a similar situation and can offer some advice or words of encouragement. And I'll apologize in advance for the length of the post.

I met my bf in AC last summer. I've been pretty upfront since about my gambling since then.

We're going on vacation in a month. I may have mentioned this -- I got a great bonus at work this year, it's the first year I haven't had to put the bulk of it to student loans, and so I want to treat us to a vacation. I proposed that I'd pick up the big-ticket items (hotel and air) and he could pick the destination. He picked Vegas -- back in February. Since then, it's been a semi-constant issue for us and I just don't know what to do and I'm also sick of being defensive.

He doesn't like the idea that I said I would "have to" gamble each day we're there. I think I phrased it poorly with the "have to" but I meant it more that I like to gamble, we're going to be in Vegas and we're going to be staying at these fantastic hotels on my comps, so there was play expected too. I did say that I expect to gamble only an hour or two each day since there's plenty of other stuff we'll want to do there. I've offered also to switch to staying at a non-casino hotel or staying at the places we're booked at ... not through my offers.

I think, quite honestly, that he thinks I have a gambling problem. I think that stems mainly from my personality which borders on obsessive (ha) and so when I find something I like (straight no chaser, Mets & Rangers, slotting, my friends even) I really put a lot of effort in or I learn a lot about it or get excited about it. So he sees me get excited about the offers I receive or if we're at the casino, seeing a high progressive on 88 fortunes and wanting to play that machine, and is uncomfortable with that. It doesn't help that I told him my mom disapproves too.

But I think it's really more my personality type than me having a problem (let me know if you disagree). I'm incredibly responsible with my money otherwise ... and I'm also very generous with it -- with my siblings mainly but also with him.

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.

I don't mean to portray him in such a bad light -- he really is a great guy otherwise -- but I don't want this to ruin our trip or to irreparably harm our relationship. One solution could be for me not to gamble there but I think that's unfair -- it's something I like to do and we're in Vegas of all places.

So .... this is a long way of asking -- has anyone on this great forum dealt with a similar situation? I'd love to hear any words of wisdom. The answer isn't breaking up with him over this -- he's more important to me than gambling so probably the longer-term effect of this could be less gambling -- but at the moment, I want to make sure our first vacation together is a good one. The answer could be to tell him to get over himself already -- he's certainly a baby in certain respects -- I'll give you that :)

Thanks!!

[DK528]

I should also mention that he realizes it's something I enjoy doing and that he has to accept it. But it's been more difficult in practice than theory.


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[TwoArmedBandito]

Some people just don't get the gambling thing. They can't understand why we like to do it with hard earned money.
This will most likely never change.
In Japan often the husband and wife take separate vacations. A custom maybe to adopt in usa.

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[goldengreeke]

I will give you a short and sweet answer. Give up gambling or give up him.

[Stephiede11]

When I first met my husband he was the exact same way. Good guy but just didn't understand why I liked to gamble. It never was a big issue because I told him that this is what I like do. If he wanted to marry me, this is a part of who I am. He is a gamer and loves all things electronics and spends his money on stuff like that. At first, I would go on my trips with friends or solo. He started coming on some trips and we would hang out, do non gambling stuff but he understood that I would gamble how long I wanted without feeling pressured. Fast forward 14 years, he still doesn't gamble anything like I do but we just learned to compromise on stuff.

The one thing I can advise is to try and find a happy medium between you two. If this is something you truly don't want to give up, address it now or farther down the road, it may become a problem between you two. Hope that helps.

[foamy]

That is for you two decide if you can find some middle ground but if there is a problem it won't get better till you address it completely. Laurie hardly ever gambled till our son went to college one time I won a bunch and told her "I was going to spllit it with you but you have been disrespectful" huge mistake. hhh Just trying to add a little levity. But you will figure it out I'm sure.

[treyster]

I thought you met at a casino?

Is he exhibiting any insecurity issues about your other activities (yet)?

It's sooo important you get to do things you like without some guilt trip from your partner. Resentment destroys relationships. Are you going to be able to enjoy yourself in Vegas slotting alone knowing he's scowling about it?

Ultimately Gene's answer may be what it comes down to.

[Wynnvegas]

Hi Dina,

Firstly, gambling, to my mind anyway, is problematic when your cash goes in slot machines as opposed to paying your bills. That it's your money and your choice what to do with it is plenty justification. I have the same type A personality and go headlong into things so completely understand your obsession.

I think you should try again to get him into it. Moyra had never gambled before we went to Vegas and has never gambled outside American casinos but it's a fun hobby for us and she's as big, if not a bigger, fan of slots than me now. Other than that, we're almost complete opposites - I have hobbies and friends she has nothing to do with and her likewise and that's served us well for 20 years. Even if he doesn't want to play, being a 1-man cheering section for your efforts whilst enjoying free drinks and not risking any of his own money sounds like a nice way to spend a couple of hours.

Hope he comes round to your way of thinking or at least understands a wee bit better that it's something you like. Anyone who would make you give up something you want to do or make you feel like you should consider it probably isn't a keeper.

Cheers,

Billy

[Mary9915]

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.



I have to say that this seems a bit possessive and / or insecure to me. To which I would try to make a deal with him...like I will be in the casino from 1 to 3 today...so he knows what you will be doing.

Ultimately though it may come down to what Gene said. Good luck and I hope you guys can come up with something that works for both of you

[goldengreeke]

I don't know if marriage is in your plans with him but if it is, the anger he has over your gambling will elevate ten fold.

Right now your relationship is in the courtship stage and he is just letting you know in subtle ways that he disapproves of your gambling but
if and when you are married, all hell will break loose!

[MNvegasgal]

Dina, I want to say that from following your past reports and your current travels, you seem to have already curtailed your gambling quite a bit. You have to find you happy medium. I don't think his comments are fair.. When he picked Las Vegas. I do think it will take a sit down heart to heart. He might not understand that the rooms may be technically free.. But if he wants to come back sometime, you need that play to. Continue the relationship. Put down on paper the cost of the rooms at normal booking price and any perks you receive so he can see the value add. Maybe you can put a time frame on solo gaming (send him for a massage for a few hours). My DH enjoys Vegas for the golf, sports betting and craps.. I like the spas food and slots. Totally different likes but the place works for both of us. I wish you the best as you filter through all this.


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[Georgiagambler]

Most non gamblers truly don't understand. I think you should just be honest with him about how it makes you feel. I would say this is something that you enjoy doing and he needs to accept that just as I'm sure there may be things about him that you don't like but choose to accept because you care for him. I would not go to Vegas for the vacation if the expectation is that you will not gamble at all, choose another destination. It would be torture to be in my happy place and not be able to do things that make me happy. Money is a very big issue in many marriages and I think a critical issue to talk about when/if you think the relationship could go towards marriage. I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do with money you earn from your hard work. As long as you are not borrowing money from them to support your gambling, it's not for them to complain about. I'm sure you don't tell them how to spend their money. I don't think you can make anyone enjoy gambling that just doesn't get it but I think they should still respect that you do enjoy it. I wish you good luck in the relationship but I think the best way to handle is simply being honest about it. I don't think you should quit gambling unless you are doing for yourself or you will end up resenting him. You shouldn't have to change yourself to make someone else happy.


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[charlie50]

Hi everyone, I am hoping someone here has had a similar situation and can offer some advice or words of encouragement. And I'll apologize in advance for the length of the post.

I met my bf in AC last summer. I've been pretty upfront since about my gambling since then.

We're going on vacation in a month. I may have mentioned this -- I got a great bonus at work this year, it's the first year I haven't had to put the bulk of it to student loans, and so I want to treat us to a vacation. I proposed that I'd pick up the big-ticket items (hotel and air) and he could pick the destination. He picked Vegas -- back in February. Since then, it's been a semi-constant issue for us and I just don't know what to do and I'm also sick of being defensive.

He doesn't like the idea that I said I would "have to" gamble each day we're there. I think I phrased it poorly with the "have to" but I meant it more that I like to gamble, we're going to be in Vegas and we're going to be staying at these fantastic hotels on my comps, so there was play expected too. I did say that I expect to gamble only an hour or two each day since there's plenty of other stuff we'll want to do there. I've offered also to switch to staying at a non-casino hotel or staying at the places we're booked at ... not through my offers.

I think, quite honestly, that he thinks I have a gambling problem. I think that stems mainly from my personality which borders on obsessive (ha) and so when I find something I like (straight no chaser, Mets & Rangers, slotting, my friends even) I really put a lot of effort in or I learn a lot about it or get excited about it. So he sees me get excited about the offers I receive or if we're at the casino, seeing a high progressive on 88 fortunes and wanting to play that machine, and is uncomfortable with that. It doesn't help that I told him my mom disapproves too.

But I think it's really more my personality type than me having a problem (let me know if you disagree). I'm incredibly responsible with my money otherwise ... and I'm also very generous with it -- with my siblings mainly but also with him.

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.

I don't mean to portray him in such a bad light -- he really is a great guy otherwise -- but I don't want this to ruin our trip or to irreparably harm our relationship. One solution could be for me not to gamble there but I think that's unfair -- it's something I like to do and we're in Vegas of all places.

So .... this is a long way of asking -- has anyone on this great forum dealt with a similar situation? I'd love to hear any words of wisdom. The answer isn't breaking up with him over this -- he's more important to me than gambling so probably the longer-term effect of this could be less gambling -- but at the moment, I want to make sure our first vacation together is a good one. The answer could be to tell him to get over himself already -- he's certainly a baby in certain respects -- I'll give you that :)

Thanks!!

I can relate to this .i see it this way .did you gamble before you meeting him (im betting Yes)did you tell him about your gambling habit during the time you where dating( im betting Yes Again ) to be blunt id say deal with it as long as its your $$$ that your using he shouldn't care .BUT ! (& here's the but ) ya still gotta set time aside to do things with him that are not gambling related .

[Nhcris]

@DK528 (http://jokerswildforum.com/member.php?u=145), this is tough one for sure! I've been with my husband since 1975 and he hates gambling. Long story, but one of his grandfathers had a terrible gambling problem so he grew up thinking it was one of the biggest evils there is. I practically grew up at the racetrack, and it was just accepted as the norm in my family.

I just wrote our life story, and decided it was way too self indulgent and overkill, anyway - HHH. The bottom line is, he loves me and trusts my judgement and is able to accept that gambling is something I love. But, since he doesn't enjoy it (or even approve of it) it is something I do without him. Luckily, he has found some things he really enjoys that bore me to tears. For us, it works well to have these separate interests.

I know some couples are joined at the hip and do absolutely everything together and I think that is wonderful. But loving happy couples can also have completely different interests and spend time separately enjoying those things, and still have a fabulous relationship.

I don't think that changing who you are, or giving up the things that you love, is the answer. And hoping that he will come around and enjoy gambling is a long shot, IMO.

If it were me, I think I would shit can the Vegas vacation and go somewhere without gambling, or where gambling isn't so 'in your face' as Vegas, for this first vacation together. I know you really like him, so I hope you can talk it through and find the right balance.

[Curlyd]

Wow I have no words of wisdom, sorry. But there is a lot of good advice here!!!!!

[Jeani]

Dina you are smart and from what I've read from your TR's you handle your BR nicely and don't seem to spend more than your budget allows.
Most of us play slots because it is entertainment and a non-thinking, relaxing activity. It's FUN. I wish you the best but I know one thing that a few have said here and that is don't change for anyone. You appear to really enjoy playing slots and going to different resorts, concerts, nice dinners and meeting up with Jokers and other friends. I hope y'all kind find a nice middle ground especially if y'all think you might have a future together. Good Luck :)

[DK528]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try and group your helpful posts into categories so I can respond using my phone :).


Some people just don't get the gambling thing. They can't understand why we like to do it with hard earned money.
This will most likely never change.
In Japan often the husband and wife take separate vacations. A custom maybe to adopt in usa.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


When I first met my husband he was the exact same way. Good guy but just didn't understand why I liked to gamble. It never was a big issue because I told him that this is what I like do. If he wanted to marry me, this is a part of who I am. He is a gamer and loves all things electronics and spends his money on stuff like that. At first, I would go on my trips with friends or solo. He started coming on some trips and we would hang out, do non gambling stuff but he understood that I would gamble how long I wanted without feeling pressured. Fast forward 14 years, he still doesn't gamble anything like I do but we just learned to compromise on stuff.

The one thing I can advise is to try and find a happy medium between you two. If this is something you truly don't want to give up, address it now or farther down the road, it may become a problem between you two. Hope that helps.


@DK528 (http://jokerswildforum.com/member.php?u=145), this is tough one for sure! I've been with my husband since 1975 and he hates gambling. Long story, but one of his grandfathers had a terrible gambling problem so he grew up thinking it was one of the biggest evils there is. I practically grew up at the racetrack, and it was just accepted as the norm in my family.

I just wrote our life story, and decided it was way too self indulgent and overkill, anyway - HHH. The bottom line is, he loves me and trusts my judgement and is able to accept that gambling is something I love. But, since he doesn't enjoy it (or even approve of it) it is something I do without him. Luckily, he has found some things he really enjoys that bore me to tears. For us, it works well to have these separate interests.

I know some couples are joined at the hip and do absolutely everything together and I think that is wonderful. But loving happy couples can also have completely different interests and spend time separately enjoying those things, and still have a fabulous relationship.

I don't think that changing who you are, or giving up the things that you love, is the answer. And hoping that he will come around and enjoy gambling is a long shot, IMO.

If it were me, I think I would shit can the Vegas vacation and go somewhere without gambling, or where gambling isn't so 'in your face' as Vegas, for this first vacation together. I know you really like him, so I hope you can talk it through and find the right balance.

I am definitely way more independent than he is. Both of my full sisters are too - we like our alone time and have no qualms about doing things on our own. He's not as into that as I am.

So the idea that I would do this without him is fine with me. Except for two things - we actually had two great, fun trips to AC in October and January where I gambled a fair amount and we had a great time. When I went solo in March I missed him - it was just different going with him.

The second thing is that he has a different perspective on couples doing things apart. He just does. Obviously we won't be joined at the hip forever but when I've mentioned the idea of a girls vacation, he doesn't understand. I think that relates to not having many vacation days in previous jobs and also that he doesn't has as much discretionary income as I do - so he doesn't share the perspective of having enough $$ to go on trips with him and with my friends.

Another example may be illustrative. He loves to smoke cigars and do so ocCasionally. I cannot stand the smell. I'm perfectly content for him to go smoke a cigar for an hour and be apart. I know he enjoys it but I can't be around it. I wouldn't want him to stop doing it so when we're in Vegas, I want him to enjoy that and I'm ok with us being apart for that period of time.

[DK528]

I will give you a short and sweet answer. Give up gambling or give up him.


I thought you met at a casino?

Is he exhibiting any insecurity issues about your other activities (yet)?

It's sooo important you get to do things you like without some guilt trip from your partner. Resentment destroys relationships. Are you going to be able to enjoy yourself in Vegas slotting alone knowing he's scowling about it?

Ultimately Gene's answer may be what it comes down to.


I have to say that this seems a bit possessive and / or insecure to me. To which I would try to make a deal with him...like I will be in the casino from 1 to 3 today...so he knows what you will be doing.

Ultimately though it may come down to what Gene said. Good luck and I hope you guys can come up with something that works for both of you


I don't know if marriage is in your plans with him but if it is, the anger he has over your gambling will elevate ten fold.

Right now your relationship is in the courtship stage and he is just letting you know in subtle ways that he disapproves of your gambling but
if and when you are married, all hell will break loose!

Trey, we did meet at a casino - borgata! He was in AC for a bachelor party and I was there for my annual trip with my friends to see the a cappella group. I also don't know if I'll be able to enjoy my gambling time in Vegas this trip. I'll feel pressure to get it done quickly.

He's not insecure about other things I do. But he has definitely expressed disapproval about this. And when I think about if I would give up gambling to stay in the relationship, I have two conflicting thoughts:

1. I probably would resent it and him a little bit. Maybe I'm being stubborn but I can't understand why he's so bothered by it - it's my money and I'm responsible with it!

2. If this does continue and lead to marriage and kids, I probably will heavily curtail my gambling anyways bc of budget and timing issues. Combined with if I take almost any other job than the one I have at a big law firm, my salary will decrease severely. So it may be inevitable that the issue could resolve itself on its own.

Mary, I thought I did that when I said "yes I'll be gambling some every day but it'll only be an hour or two." I thought that was upfront but a concession in terms of time. But he saw it as "no matter if I'm having a good time with you, I'll have to leave you to gamble."

[DK528]

That is for you two decide if you can find some middle ground but if there is a problem it won't get better till you address it completely. Laurie hardly ever gambled till our son went to college one time I won a bunch and told her "I was going to spllit it with you but you have been disrespectful" huge mistake. hhh Just trying to add a little levity. But you will figure it out I'm sure.

What's hard for me is that he can't articulate specifically what bothers him other than it worries him that I get excited about it and as a former smoker, he's worried abt me being addicted to it. Maybe that's enough - haha. But I suspect it also has to do with the difference in our incomes and I don't want to be the one to bring that up first.


Hi Dina,

Firstly, gambling, to my mind anyway, is problematic when your cash goes in slot machines as opposed to paying your bills. That it's your money and your choice what to do with it is plenty justification. I have the same type A personality and go headlong into things so completely understand your obsession.

I think you should try again to get him into it. Moyra had never gambled before we went to Vegas and has never gambled outside American casinos but it's a fun hobby for us and she's as big, if not a bigger, fan of slots than me now. Other than that, we're almost complete opposites - I have hobbies and friends she has nothing to do with and her likewise and that's served us well for 20 years. Even if he doesn't want to play, being a 1-man cheering section for your efforts whilst enjoying free drinks and not risking any of his own money sounds like a nice way to spend a couple of hours.

Hope he comes round to your way of thinking or at least understands a wee bit better that it's something you like. Anyone who would make you give up something you want to do or make you feel like you should consider it probably isn't a keeper.

Cheers,

Billy

that's a great idea about him being my cheering squad, Billy, and I suggested something similar - esp bc Aria and Cosmo have such great free drinks. He said something abt feeling uncomfortable seeing me feed machines money. But maybe he can get past that at times so we can slot together - Cosmo has some machines with those big comfy seats.


Dina, I want to say that from following your past reports and your current travels, you seem to have already curtailed your gambling quite a bit. You have to find you happy medium. I don't think his comments are fair.. When he picked Las Vegas. I do think it will take a sit down heart to heart. He might not understand that the rooms may be technically free.. But if he wants to come back sometime, you need that play to. Continue the relationship. Put down on paper the cost of the rooms at normal booking price and any perks you receive so he can see the value add. Maybe you can put a time frame on solo gaming (send him for a massage for a few hours). My DH enjoys Vegas for the golf, sports betting and craps.. I like the spas food and slots. Totally different likes but the place works for both of us. I wish you the best as you filter through all this.


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Thanks Cece. I've tried explaining the comps to him. And as a non-gambler, he doesn't get it. He'll say "you're gambling with thousands of dollars to get a free $300 room." And I'll respond with "no, I'm gambling at the levels I'm comfortable gambling at, bc I enjoy it, and j get these free things as a result." So we talk past each other about it.




Most non gamblers truly don't understand. I think you should just be honest with him about how it makes you feel. I would say this is something that you enjoy doing and he needs to accept that just as I'm sure there may be things about him that you don't like but choose to accept because you care for him. I would not go to Vegas for the vacation if the expectation is that you will not gamble at all, choose another destination. It would be torture to be in my happy place and not be able to do things that make me happy. Money is a very big issue in many marriages and I think a critical issue to talk about when/if you think the relationship could go towards marriage. I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do with money you earn from your hard work. As long as you are not borrowing money from them to support your gambling, it's not for them to complain about. I'm sure you don't tell them how to spend their money. I don't think you can make anyone enjoy gambling that just doesn't get it but I think they should still respect that you do enjoy it. I wish you good luck in the relationship but I think the best way to handle is simply being honest about it. I don't think you should quit gambling unless you are doing for yourself or you will end up resenting him. You shouldn't have to change yourself to make someone else happy.


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Thanks GG. I have suggested on a few occasions that we switch our vacation spot as a result of these convos. And he said he would feel terrible if we did that bc of this issue, which he acknowledges he should accept.

And I don't tell him how to spend his $. I bit my tongue on numerous occasions this spring when he was moving into a new place and spent a ton on new furnishing - even though we've started discussing moving in together and I have some quality furniture already that he really likes.


I can relate to this .i see it this way .did you gamble before you meeting him (im betting Yes)did you tell him about your gambling habit during the time you where dating( im betting Yes Again ) to be blunt id say deal with it as long as its your $$$ that your using he shouldn't care .BUT ! (& here's the but ) ya still gotta set time aside to do things with him that are not gambling related .

Exactly Charlie. He knew this from the beginning. I remember him saying he was intimidated the night he met me for three reasons - I'm a lawyer, I live in Manhattan and I have a borgata black card! I would hope that the jokers who have met me would not think I'm intimidating!

[DK528]

Dina you are smart and from what I've read from your TR's you handle your BR nicely and don't seem to spend more than your budget allows.
Most of us play slots because it is entertainment and a non-thinking, relaxing activity. It's FUN. I wish you the best but I know one thing that a few have said here and that is don't change for anyone. You appear to really enjoy playing slots and going to different resorts, concerts, nice dinners and meeting up with Jokers and other friends. I hope y'all kind find a nice middle ground especially if y'all think you might have a future together. Good Luck :)

Thanks Jeani. I'm hoping it works out with this. I can't imagine losing my first serious boyfriend in many many years over something I do once every couple of months and with a small portion of my income!


Wow I have no words of wisdom, sorry. But there is a lot of good advice here!!!!!

Thanks for the note at least and I agree, lots of good advice!

[slotbender]

Dina, you've stated that you are a very generous person towards siblings & some friends. You also stated that your BF doesn't have much discretionary income. After analyzing what you've said I can picture a situation where the BF in this relationship is becoming "controlling" over you and your $$. Could it be that he thinks that the money that you spend for gambling takes your $$ (generosity) away from him? I know that there are alotta guys out there that have no shame in taking advantage of women and their monies. This is my twist on this and I have to agree with goldengreeke on this one : )

[dvandentop]

I would change the plans and go somewhere besides Vegas sounds like it would become an issue during the trip and no one wants to be fighting or arguing during a vacation together.

[Mary9915]

I would change the plans and go somewhere besides Vegas sounds like it would become an issue during the trip and no one wants to be fighting or arguing during a vacation together.

I do agree with this.

It sound like you two really enjoy being together. I hope that you guys can figure out something that makes both parties comfortable! :love_heart::love_heart:

[DK528]

Dina, you've stated that you are a very generous person towards siblings & some friends. You also stated that your BF doesn't have much discretionary income. After analyzing what you've said I can picture a situation where the BF in this relationship is becoming "controlling" over you and your $$. Could it be that he thinks that the money that you spend for gambling takes your $$ (generosity) away from him? I know that there are alotta guys out there that have no shame in taking advantage of women and their monies. This is my twist on this and I have to agree with goldengreeke on this one : )

Thanks, slotbender. He's not really like that abt money generally. We're pretty evenly split, skewing towards him paying, for everyday dating things. I've treated on some nice meals but he picks up the tab on most of our dates. I think it's more that he's insecure about the differences? And me gambling is an easy way to tell the difference in discretionary income.

He's really not a bad guy - he's pretty wonderful in many other areas. I feel like I'm portraying him very badly and that makes me sad.



I would change the plans and go somewhere besides Vegas sounds like it would become an issue during the trip and no one wants to be fighting or arguing during a vacation together.

I've offered to change many times at this point. The issue now is that we're going away beginning the Friday of MDW and airfare to many other places is really high. I do think we'll have a ton of fun in Vegas for all of the other things that Vegas offers. At least that's what I'm hoping.

[CPT]

I think if you don't talk about it and just let Vegas flow as it comes. Don't drop the bags and run immediately to the casino, like anyone of us do..haha Like others have said, you will have to find the happy medium. As it is your interest, he will have to learn to accept it at some point. He does seem like a good guy, it's just that change of mentality of how it is considered entertainment and not just throwing money away that may take awhile to get used to. Good luck Dina! :)

[Big Mac]

Dina,

I have had similar situations, my gambling time is an escape from my routine daily life that I enjoy. I pay my bills and am responsible with my $$$ but my GF's have far less $$ that they are comfortable risking gambling, they would rather go buy a $300 purse etc...

I recommend always being honest, for me I gamble solo early in the morning, let her have leaisurely morning, return with a coffee and baileys then we go about our day in Vegas, at points during the day we will gamble together but we keep ourselves busy with activities and nice meals, shopping etc..I don't let the gambling deter from having a great couples vacation. I will nap at the pool while she suntans.

I do have my solo guys trips (That I recommend) where it is all about me and I blow off steam and golf drink too much etc. But it doesn't take away from the fact I love my time with GF but we don't need to be together 24/7.

I guess my point is a relationship is all about compromise. Don't let him be a DICK tator....

[Reen]

I agree with a lot of others here. I think its all about compromise and a happy medium in a relationship. I think you can make this trip work out for the both of you. I wish you a great time in Vegas and lots of Good Luck. Hope to meet you in AC this summer.

[goldengreeke]

Don't you just love all of us Dr Phils out here on the forum lol;

The thing that concerns me is that right now your money is your money, so he shouldn't really complain about how you spend it.

Once married ALL that changes. What use to be only YOUR money is now his money also and if you gamble with what he feels is HIS money....I see disaster.

[Luckylinda123]

[QUOTE=DK528;109868]I should also mention that he realizes it's something I enjoy doing and that he has to accept it. But it's been more difficult in practice than theory.

You actually know he doesn't have to accept it and will make you miserable if you continue to gamble.
With a Vegas vacation planned just a few weeks away you should be thinking of what a great time is coming with no worries. :topsy_turvy:

[treyster]

Maybe some other Jokers will be in Vegas MDW and can entertain this young man while you're out herding the buffalo.

[moemoe]

Honestly, I would cancel the Vegas vacay, then throw a fit and cry and make him feel guilty... Men won't admit it, but most of them are addicted to Big Drama, even more so than women - truth!!

[Elf70]

My Dr. Phil advise ..... Communicate, communicate, communicate. Is he aware of how concerned you are about this? You both need to sit down and formulate a compromise that you both can be happy with. He shouldn't want to change what makes you happy and you need to be respectful of his feelings. Being able to reach a compromise that works well for both of you will be the basis of many future compromises you'll need to make if this becomes a long term relationship. If he can't compromise on this it may be a sign that he won't compromise going forward. I really hope this works out for you! It's obvious that you like this guy and are hoping he may be " the one." I'm rooting for you!

One more thing. I made significantly more money than DH at the beginning of our marriage. It was very hard for him to deal with. We dealt with it by always discussing major purchases and making sure to budget our expenses together. This really is a hard issues for some men to deal with.



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[Laurie]

As foamy already said I rarely gambled for the first 18 years of our marriage. Just didn't enjoy it and was raised in a family where no one did. His family all did! I didn't mind staying home while he went to the casino with friends but it sounds like your BF would mind so that makes it harder. Not sure if you mentioned if he has been to LV before? Not a very fun destination for non-gamblers even with the shows, spas and dining because the gambling is so in your face.
After our Son moved out I went along just to get out on a Friday night and then I hit my first and only hand pay and was hooked. Our Son by the way hates gambling. He will do it on occasion if we go to a concert and he can enjoy a drink and cigar while low rolling. But it is really hard to get him to step foot in a casino and then it is only for a short time. The same way I used to be!
I would think he has some hobbies that you don't enjoy? Also thinking his view on spending all your time together will change eventually. You know him better than you can describe here to all of us so go with your instincts. He has to be willing to give you space or it most likely won't work between you IMO
There are enough people here that have proven it can work between you if you both don't enjoy gambling. Maybe try to get him to hang out in another place in the casino like watching games at a sportsbook or bar while you slot?

[DK528]

Thanks everyone. I have a lot of work to get done this afternoon but will respond to your points tonight.

He and I have had an upsetting text message convo about this today already following up on our discussions last night.

I am trying my best to understand. Especially when he writes things like:

"I don't think I have anything that's so important to me that I would let it become something between us. I guess I don't understand why the gambling is so important to you."

I think that's unfair to phrase it that way. But those are his feelings on the subject. I just wish he could articulate at all why the gambling bothers him so much. And as you know, it's something I do infrequently - every 2 months on average? It's not as if I'm going frequently enough that I actually talk abt gambling with him every week. I think we talk abt the "issue" way more than I talk about me gambling!



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[Wynnvegas]

Jesus Dina, he's not making this easy!

As others have said, to pick Vegas as a destination, knowing your slot hobby, then expecting you not to do it is a bit out of order. I suspect that you're right and that you earning significantly more than him is a big part of the issue. I absolutely don't see a way of bringing that up that ends at all well though. Feeling "less than", if it is the case, is something that will likely eat away at someone and the only thing worse is having a partner bring it right into the open. However genuine and well meaning your insistence that it isn't an issue, it will come across to someone who doesn't want to hear it as condescension.

Sorry you're in such a no-win position here. I hope he comes to his senses and starts acting more reasonably sharpish.

Cheers,

Billy

[Borgatadd]

This is not something to take lightly and you seem to really care for this guy. One lessen that life has taught me - you have to change because You want the change...not for someone else. Today it's gambling, tomorrow it could other hobbies/your friends. Don't set that precedence so you won't end up resenting your decisions or him. Good luck with your conversation tonight. At least he is open to trying to figure it out. I do however agree with those that suggest another vacation location...temptation is a bitch.

[treyster]

I say go to Vegas as planned. It will just speed up whatever's going to eventually happen.

I made sure Linda was Vegas Compatible when we started dating. It sounds shallow but it was important to me.

[dvandentop]

Have you guys been dating for over a year? he should still be more concerned about going down on you still then trying to change your hobbys. Lol maybe ask him if he had a bad experience with gambling on the past or some relative etc...

[CTslotters]

His text is just wrong, will he insist on you not going away for your girls weekends or to SNC concerts because it takes time away from him? It's a hobby, you do very infrequently, that should not bother him. My guess, as others have said, is that it may be a money and insecurity issue, more than a gambling issue.
Also, he picked Vegas! What did he think people did there? It would be like Adam telling me we were going to Disney World but saying I couldn't go on any of the rides!
And being someone that has met him in person, at a casino, he did not seem bothered to be in a casino and was very nice (I suspect one big exciting slot win may be what he needs to like it more).
Also, even if gambling habits may change down the line (with a new job, kids, etc. as you mentioned) it has to be on your terms, not something he dictates. You have to be comfortable being yourself and he should adore you for that, not try to change what he doesn't like or agree with.
I'm going to show this to Adam later and get his take on it also since he was not as into slotting when we met but has come around! Lol!
I don't envy the situation he put you in, you aren't going to go to Vegas and not gamble.

[foamy]

I hate to say this but he is itching for a fight if he hates gambling so much why would he pick Vegas? He also stated he wouldn't let anything come before us but he is what he should have said is you can't let anything come between us. I understand that we won't win gambling and many people have had big problems with gambling but many have not.

[foamy]

This reminds me of when I was young I was dating a girl and picked her up one Friday night. I was happy and told her I couldn't wait till tommorrow she said why I said pheasant and quail season opens and I'm going hunting she informed me I wasn't going cause she didn't like hunting so I went around the block pulled in her driveway and said get the fuck out cause I'm going hunting in the morning she started whining about I can't believe you won't give it up for me I said well I won't so see ya later.

[Nhcris]

Thanks everyone. I have a lot of work to get done this afternoon but will respond to your points tonight.

He and I have had an upsetting text message convo about this today already following up on our discussions last night.

I am trying my best to understand. Especially when he writes things like:

"I don't think I have anything that's so important to me that I would let it become something between us. I guess I don't understand why the gambling is so important to you."

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What I see is that he is taking the problem that he has with gambling, and making it sound like you have a problem. If it's not so damn important to him, why is he making such a big deal out of it? His issue with it is what is coming between you.

That sounded harsh I think, but I fear this is more about control than about gambling. I think that you need to get to the root of things, and I don't think it's gambling.

[Wynnvegas]

This reminds me of when I was young I was dating a girl and picked her up one Friday night. I was happy and told her I couldn't wait till tommorrow she said why I said pheasant and quail season opens and I'm going hunting she informed me I wasn't going cause she didn't like hunting so I went around the block pulled in her driveway and said get the fuck out cause I'm going hunting in the morning she started whining about I can't believe you won't give it up for me I said well I won't so see ya later.

You old romantic you...

[darrellk]

Tell David to get his head out of his ass & put on his big boy pants & get with the program. If he wants to control you or make you feel guilty about gambling then maybe he's not the one for you. Plenty of fish in the sea that enjoy gambling that will accept you for who you are.
Sorry to sound so harsh but that is how I Feel DK !!!


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[CTslotters]

I had Adam read this and here's his take on it; he said georgiagambler's reply would be what he would write. He also said he should stop being a baby about this and not bring it up. He also thinks he's testing you by picking Vegas to see if you'll choose him over gambling (which is shitty). It seems like he's trying to control you.

[Georgiagambler]

The fact that he doesn't understand why it's important enough that you have to talk about it sounds like a really big issue. I don't get the impression that he will be accepting or understanding that this is a hobby that you enjoy which seems like it is something you will always fight about. I don't think this thread is the first time you mentioned this as an issue so it really is a big deal.

The reason it is important to discuss is because it is important to you. It's not about gambling, it's about him trying to dictate what he wants to "allow" you to do. I'm not saying he is a bad guy, but it sounds like he is not willing to compromise and accept that this is something you enjoy doing and plan to continue to enjoy. I honestly hope that you don't quit to make him happy. But as already stated, it is something you just need to put on the table and discuss. It could be something as point blank to ask if he expects you to quit completely. While I enjoy doing things as a couple with my boyfriend, we also have things that we do and enjoy separately. He has time with his friends alone and I have times with my friends alone (gambling or not gambling) I don't think that should stop just because you are in a relationship. If he no longer wants you to do anything with your friends (without him), I think your issue is bigger than gambling. The issue is control or insecurity.

I still wish the best for you and hope that it works out but you really have to talk about it and get it closed one way or another.

If my BF told me to choose between him and gambling, I would choose gambling. Not because gambling is that important, but because of the principal.

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[dailun]

It's not your problem . . . . it's HIS problem. It's something you like to do that doesn't impinge (affect) your lifestyle. It's something that you like to do with your E.I. (expendable income).

I hate to say it, but this sounds like a major sticking point in your relationship.

[lady luck]

I have been in a relationship before with someone who hated gambling but had never even been to a casino or so he said. I still gambled. It was my money. We wound up breaking up (not because of this but because he was a cheater). One day I was at the casino in Oklahoma and was on my way out the door and who did I see stuffing a machine with money, along side his new girlfriend. I guess he learned to like it huh lol. Seriously though, your relationship is still new and you said that it's been awhile since you've been in a serious relationship. I know that probably makes it hard because you don't want to ruin it but I just feel that when a person really cares for you they will accept your differences and give you your space. You should be able to gamble and vacation with your friends if you want. I bet he wouldn't stop doing something he loved doing just because you didn't like it. It's gambling now, what will it be later?

[darrellk]

Let's review the facts for a second Dina. You met at a casino but he does not approve of gambling. You let him choose a vacation destination & he chooses Las Vegas but he does not approve of gambling. Just tell me who goes to a casino without any intention of gambling ?
Party atmosphere excites him ? Why the hell should there be such an issue when he obviously likes the casino atmosphere ?
Him smoking cigars is gross and think he would give them up for you if you nagged him about it ?
Probably Not !!! Nuff Said !!!


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[SME]

I think Adam is right. It feels like he is testing you. Why pick Vegas as the destination at all if it makes him so uncomfortable? You work hard and should be able to do whatever you want with your money, no justifications necessary. And you shouldn't have to give up something you love (regardless of what it is) to keep him happy.
I don't want to overstep here but you mentioned that he's your first serious bf in many many years. I hope that you don't feel like you have to settle for this guy.
All in all, I hope that you can work it out before the trip. Would be a shame to waste time arguing or feeling uncomfortable on your trip, especially since you worked hard all year and this is somewhat of a reward.

[Slotdude]

You old romantic you...

I am not a laugh out loud kind of guy. And I don't know if its the wine with dinner talking, But I just laughed so hard for the last 3-4 minutes until tears came. My wife is just kinda looking at me.

thank you both foamy Wynnvegas

[Jen Jen]

I totally understand how you're feeling. Troy and I discovered gambling together. Eventually he kind of out grew it after losing all the time. Which I could totally understand. He already told me only 2 trips over the summer. AC and Reno, which I feel is a fair compromise. I just hope he would fall back in love with gambling so it won't be such a challenge when I want to go to the casinos.

I hope you two could come to a compromise so you both can enjoy Vegas.

[clemi]

Hi Dina
My advice would be to schedule your vacation to another destination. Perhaps a road trip that wouldn't involve pricy flight tickets?

I reread what your BF concerns were and it sounded like he's concerned that you'll spend too much time gambling. For whatever reason he's bringing this up now, it makes sense just to avoid the situation until he understands what you want from a Vegas vacation.

I wish you both the best and you both seem to be caring of each other.

My husband did not gamble and it took awhile for him to accept that gambling and Vegas were passions of mine and that it made me happy.

Wishing you the best outcome.

[DK528]

I think if you don't talk about it and just let Vegas flow as it comes. Don't drop the bags and run immediately to the casino, like anyone of us do..haha Like others have said, you will have to find the happy medium. As it is your interest, he will have to learn to accept it at some point. He does seem like a good guy, it's just that change of mentality of how it is considered entertainment and not just throwing money away that may take awhile to get used to. Good luck Dina! :)


Dina,

I have had similar situations, my gambling time is an escape from my routine daily life that I enjoy. I pay my bills and am responsible with my $$$ but my GF's have far less $$ that they are comfortable risking gambling, they would rather go buy a $300 purse etc...

I recommend always being honest, for me I gamble solo early in the morning, let her have leaisurely morning, return with a coffee and baileys then we go about our day in Vegas, at points during the day we will gamble together but we keep ourselves busy with activities and nice meals, shopping etc..I don't let the gambling deter from having a great couples vacation. I will nap at the pool while she suntans.

I do have my solo guys trips (That I recommend) where it is all about me and I blow off steam and golf drink too much etc. But it doesn't take away from the fact I love my time with GF but we don't need to be together 24/7.

I guess my point is a relationship is all about compromise. Don't let him be a DICK tator....


I agree with a lot of others here. I think its all about compromise and a happy medium in a relationship. I think you can make this trip work out for the both of you. I wish you a great time in Vegas and lots of Good Luck. Hope to meet you in AC this summer.


[QUOTE=DK528;109868]I should also mention that he realizes it's something I enjoy doing and that he has to accept it. But it's been more difficult in practice than theory.

You actually know he doesn't have to accept it and will make you miserable if you continue to gamble.
With a Vegas vacation planned just a few weeks away you should be thinking of what a great time is coming with no worries. :topsy_turvy:


Maybe some other Jokers will be in Vegas MDW and can entertain this young man while you're out herding the buffalo.


My Dr. Phil advise ..... Communicate, communicate, communicate. Is he aware of how concerned you are about this? You both need to sit down and formulate a compromise that you both can be happy with. He shouldn't want to change what makes you happy and you need to be respectful of his feelings. Being able to reach a compromise that works well for both of you will be the basis of many future compromises you'll need to make if this becomes a long term relationship. If he can't compromise on this it may be a sign that he won't compromise going forward. I really hope this works out for you! It's obvious that you like this guy and are hoping he may be " the one." I'm rooting for you!

One more thing. I made significantly more money than DH at the beginning of our marriage. It was very hard for him to deal with. We dealt with it by always discussing major purchases and making sure to budget our expenses together. This really is a hard issues for some men to deal with.



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I'm really hoping that we can talk about this and compromise. We've talked abt it alot ... and I think we're talking past each other. We view compromise differently. Cigar is one example. The beach is another. We talked about it today. He loves the Jersey shore and the beach; I don't love the beach. But we're probably going down to the shore this summer and I'm going to "suck it up" and am willing to spend as much time as he wants at the beach b/c I know he loves it .. and we're at the shore. He views compromise as since he knows I don't love the beach, we won't spend as much time there as he wants.

I also think I could be over-reacting based on the rest of our conversation today. He says he doesn't want me to stop gambling because of him and doesn't think he's said that before. I may have mis-heard him? Maybe he's upset with how I've phrased it in terms of it being a non-negotiable in Vegas.

We've gone on casino trips before and have had great times. I'm really hoping that we'll get there and this will be a non-issue (or a small issue) b/c we'll have other things to do and fun to be had. Including gambling some.

Trey, I've mentioned the forum but don't think it's the right time to bring it up again :)

Elf, it's an issue I've been aware about since the beginning of the relationship and I think I'm pretty sensitive about it. One of the issues in the relationship is that I can talk about my feelings/emotions easily and can recognize them (being a sensitive female; going to therapy) -- he just doesn't have a similar capacity. He's working on it but it's hard to know there are underlying issues but don't want to be the one to suggest these are the issues.

[dailun]

It is my experience that things like "gambling" is a "core value", and those are nearly impossible to change. Some other core value has to be changed in order to accept it.

I wish you the best, but I'm not optimistic. One of you is certain to be miserable.

[DK528]

Don't you just love all of us Dr Phils out here on the forum lol;

The thing that concerns me is that right now your money is your money, so he shouldn't really complain about how you spend it.

Once married ALL that changes. What use to be only YOUR money is now his money also and if you gamble with what he feels is HIS money....I see disaster.

I do love the advice you all are giving me :) I can't figure out how much of his issue is related to me spending my money. I think it's other things but both you and slotbender picked up on that so maybe it is.


Honestly, I would cancel the Vegas vacay, then throw a fit and cry and make him feel guilty... Men won't admit it, but most of them are addicted to Big Drama, even more so than women - truth!!

You may be right! I hate drama. We've planned this vacation beginning Memorial Day Weekend so it's hard to now find an alternative locale that's not crazy expensive with airfare. I think we're going to try and make it work.


As foamy already said I rarely gambled for the first 18 years of our marriage. Just didn't enjoy it and was raised in a family where no one did. His family all did! I didn't mind staying home while he went to the casino with friends but it sounds like your BF would mind so that makes it harder. Not sure if you mentioned if he has been to LV before? Not a very fun destination for non-gamblers even with the shows, spas and dining because the gambling is so in your face.
After our Son moved out I went along just to get out on a Friday night and then I hit my first and only hand pay and was hooked. Our Son by the way hates gambling. He will do it on occasion if we go to a concert and he can enjoy a drink and cigar while low rolling. But it is really hard to get him to step foot in a casino and then it is only for a short time. The same way I used to be!
I would think he has some hobbies that you don't enjoy? Also thinking his view on spending all your time together will change eventually. You know him better than you can describe here to all of us so go with your instincts. He has to be willing to give you space or it most likely won't work between you IMO
There are enough people here that have proven it can work between you if you both don't enjoy gambling. Maybe try to get him to hang out in another place in the casino like watching games at a sportsbook or bar while you slot?

He was last in LV 10 years ago I think. He's starting to get excited about the trip, I think -- we have some fun things planned. He does gamble some -- when we've been together, he's lost his $ quickly and gets frustrated -- but yes, if we can get him a nice win, that would help :) He does play video poker while he smokes his cigars and one compromise will be that he does that while I'm slotting.

Big Mac, you mentioned getting up early and gambling before your GF got up -- I'm the one who wakes up late in the relationship so it's not going to work here .. but it's a good suggestion :)


Jesus Dina, he's not making this easy!

As others have said, to pick Vegas as a destination, knowing your slot hobby, then expecting you not to do it is a bit out of order. I suspect that you're right and that you earning significantly more than him is a big part of the issue. I absolutely don't see a way of bringing that up that ends at all well though. Feeling "less than", if it is the case, is something that will likely eat away at someone and the only thing worse is having a partner bring it right into the open. However genuine and well meaning your insistence that it isn't an issue, it will come across to someone who doesn't want to hear it as condescension.

Sorry you're in such a no-win position here. I hope he comes to his senses and starts acting more reasonably sharpish.

Cheers,

Billy

Yeah, I don't think I can bring up the income issue. I don't plan to. I think he thought I'd gamble some over our Vegas trip but was taken aback when I said "i have to gamble every day." I meant it in the sense that it's osmething i like to do, we're in Vegas, and we're staying on my offers so there's some play expected. I shouldn't have phrased it that way unfortunately and he felt like we'll be off having a great time, and I'll say "oh i have to leave to gamble." I've assured him that won't happen but I don't know if he believes me.



This is not something to take lightly and you seem to really care for this guy. One lessen that life has taught me - you have to change because You want the change...not for someone else. Today it's gambling, tomorrow it could other hobbies/your friends. Don't set that precedence so you won't end up resenting your decisions or him. Good luck with your conversation tonight. At least he is open to trying to figure it out. I do however agree with those that suggest another vacation location...temptation is a bitch.

I am glad we can talk about it -- I just hope we can figure out the root cause of the issue b/c right now I don't know and he can't explain what bothers him about it. I don't want to set that precedent about changing either.


Have you guys been dating for over a year? he should still be more concerned about going down on you still then trying to change your hobbys. Lol maybe ask him if he had a bad experience with gambling on the past or some relative etc...

Hahaha. Yup, only 9 months. I don't think there's a bad experience with gambling - either him or a relative. His mom actually slots but is a low-roller and he's never expressed any issue about it. He shared a photo with me that she took of a nice win at one of the PA casinos.


His text is just wrong, will he insist on you not going away for your girls weekends or to SNC concerts because it takes time away from him? It's a hobby, you do very infrequently, that should not bother him. My guess, as others have said, is that it may be a money and insecurity issue, more than a gambling issue.
Also, he picked Vegas! What did he think people did there? It would be like Adam telling me we were going to Disney World but saying I couldn't go on any of the rides!
And being someone that has met him in person, at a casino, he did not seem bothered to be in a casino and was very nice (I suspect one big exciting slot win may be what he needs to like it more).
Also, even if gambling habits may change down the line (with a new job, kids, etc. as you mentioned) it has to be on your terms, not something he dictates. You have to be comfortable being yourself and he should adore you for that, not try to change what he doesn't like or agree with.
I'm going to show this to Adam later and get his take on it also since he was not as into slotting when we met but has come around! Lol!
I don't envy the situation he put you in, you aren't going to go to Vegas and not gamble.

I know! He hasn't seem that bothered in a casino! We have had fun gambling together before. And I figure with Vegas, there's much more to do than in AC or Mohegan and so we'll have a blast. I'm really hoping this dissipates somewhat once we're there and adrenaline is flowing and we're excited about vacation. I still don't get the independence issue but its something we've talked about and he's come around on it pretty easily actually. He can be molded :)


I hate to say this but he is itching for a fight if he hates gambling so much why would he pick Vegas? He also stated he wouldn't let anything come before us but he is what he should have said is you can't let anything come between us. I understand that we won't win gambling and many people have had big problems with gambling but many have not.

Yeah, I don't understand the itching for a fight bit -- I may also be egging it on because I like logic and reason and since he can't explain why it bothers him, I keep on pushing him for an explanation, which frustrates him.

[DK528]

This reminds me of when I was young I was dating a girl and picked her up one Friday night. I was happy and told her I couldn't wait till tommorrow she said why I said pheasant and quail season opens and I'm going hunting she informed me I wasn't going cause she didn't like hunting so I went around the block pulled in her driveway and said get the fuck out cause I'm going hunting in the morning she started whining about I can't believe you won't give it up for me I said well I won't so see ya later.

Haha, that's great. I'm not at that point yet but you never know :)


What I see is that he is taking the problem that he has with gambling, and making it sound like you have a problem. If it's not so damn important to him, why is he making such a big deal out of it? His issue with it is what is coming between you.

That sounded harsh I think, but I fear this is more about control than about gambling. I think that you need to get to the root of things, and I don't think it's gambling.

I agree, Chris, but it's not something he's understanding. I do think it's partly a control issue which is something we can talk about (delicately) -- it may wait until after the trip at this point. We sort of agreed to table this discussion until after our trip. I hope it sticks :)


Tell David to get his head out of his ass & put on his big boy pants & get with the program. If he wants to control you or make you feel guilty about gambling then maybe he's not the one for you. Plenty of fish in the sea that enjoy gambling that will accept you for who you are.
Sorry to sound so harsh but that is how I Feel DK !!!


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Let's review the facts for a second Dina. You met at a casino but he does not approve of gambling. You let him choose a vacation destination & he chooses Las Vegas but he does not approve of gambling. Just tell me who goes to a casino without any intention of gambling ?
Party atmosphere excites him ? Why the hell should there be such an issue when he obviously likes the casino atmosphere ?
Him smoking cigars is gross and think he would give them up for you if you nagged him about it ?
Probably Not !!! Nuff Said !!!


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Thanks for the real talk, Darrell -- and I'm being serious. He has many many other great qualities so I'm not ready to throw him back in the ocean yet. He actually probably wouldn't bring cigars on the trip with us if I said something -- so I don't want to risk that gamble :) I think he picked Vegas because we've had so much fun in AC and it's a bigger, more fun AC. We have lots of fun ideas for the trip that don't directly involve gambling so yes, I do think he picked it thinking I wouldn't spend so much time gambling.


I had Adam read this and here's his take on it; he said georgiagambler's reply would be what he would write. He also said he should stop being a baby about this and not bring it up. He also thinks he's testing you by picking Vegas to see if you'll choose him over gambling (which is shitty). It seems like he's trying to control you.

Yup, I've suspected that too. He had issues with his ex-wife (which I don't really want to get into) and so I think he brings those into our relationship. Which isn't fair b/c I've made him a priority in my life these 9 months. While I'm hesitant to bring up other things, I'm okay calling BS on this one.


The fact that he doesn't understand why it's important enough that you have to talk about it sounds like a really big issue. I don't get the impression that he will be accepting or understanding that this is a hobby that you enjoy which seems like it is something you will always fight about. I don't think this thread is the first time you mentioned this as an issue so it really is a big deal.

The reason it is important to discuss is because it is important to you. It's not about gambling, it's about him trying to dictate what he wants to "allow" you to do. I'm not saying he is a bad guy, but it sounds like he is not willing to compromise and accept that this is something you enjoy doing and plan to continue to enjoy. I honestly hope that you don't quit to make him happy. But as already stated, it is something you just need to put on the table and discuss. It could be something as point blank to ask if he expects you to quit completely. While I enjoy doing things as a couple with my boyfriend, we also have things that we do and enjoy separately. He has time with his friends alone and I have times with my friends alone (gambling or not gambling) I don't think that should stop just because you are in a relationship. If he no longer wants you to do anything with your friends (without him), I think your issue is bigger than gambling. The issue is control or insecurity.

I still wish the best for you and hope that it works out but you really have to talk about it and get it closed one way or another.

If my BF told me to choose between him and gambling, I would choose gambling. Not because gambling is that important, but because of the principal.

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I have been in a relationship before with someone who hated gambling but had never even been to a casino or so he said. I still gambled. It was my money. We wound up breaking up (not because of this but because he was a cheater). One day I was at the casino in Oklahoma and was on my way out the door and who did I see stuffing a machine with money, along side his new girlfriend. I guess he learned to like it huh lol. Seriously though, your relationship is still new and you said that it's been awhile since you've been in a serious relationship. I know that probably makes it hard because you don't want to ruin it but I just feel that when a person really cares for you they will accept your differences and give you your space. You should be able to gamble and vacation with your friends if you want. I bet he wouldn't stop doing something he loved doing just because you didn't like it. It's gambling now, what will it be later?

Thanks, GG and lady luck -- it's something we've worked on and he's actually made progress in the non-gambling aspects -- I think the control or wanting me to pick him over something else has to do with past relationships as I mentioned above -- and it could be better to phrase it that way when talking about it, then only criticizing him about it. At least that's what I'm hoping.


It's not your problem . . . . it's HIS problem. It's something you like to do that doesn't impinge (affect) your lifestyle. It's something that you like to do with your E.I. (expendable income).

I hate to say it, but this sounds like a major sticking point in your relationship.

Thanks, dailun. I'm hoping it's not but it's definitely caused drama these last couple months on and off.



I think Adam is right. It feels like he is testing you. Why pick Vegas as the destination at all if it makes him so uncomfortable? You work hard and should be able to do whatever you want with your money, no justifications necessary. And you shouldn't have to give up something you love (regardless of what it is) to keep him happy.
I don't want to overstep here but you mentioned that he's your first serious bf in many many years. I hope that you don't feel like you have to settle for this guy.
All in all, I hope that you can work it out before the trip. Would be a shame to waste time arguing or feeling uncomfortable on your trip, especially since you worked hard all year and this is somewhat of a reward.

Thanks, SME. While he's my first serious boyfriend in a while, I don't feel like I'm settling at all. This really has been the only issue so far and I think it's been exacerbated b/c he's not comfortable figuring out his emotions so can't really explain it and so I egg him on for more info.


I totally understand how you're feeling. Troy and I discovered gambling together. Eventually he kind of out grew it after losing all the time. Which I could totally understand. He already told me only 2 trips over the summer. AC and Reno, which I feel is a fair compromise. I just hope he would fall back in love with gambling so it won't be such a challenge when I want to go to the casinos.

I hope you two could come to a compromise so you both can enjoy Vegas.

Thanks Jen. I'm definitely willing to compromise and I think I've expressed on here (or SF) in the past that I don't love seeing my W/L statements at the end of the year -- this could be a good impetus to at least reduce my exposure to losing $$.


Hi Dina
My advice would be to schedule your vacation to another destination. Perhaps a road trip that wouldn't involve pricy flight tickets?

I reread what your BF concerns were and it sounded like he's concerned that you'll spend too much time gambling. For whatever reason he's bringing this up now, it makes sense just to avoid the situation until he understands what you want from a Vegas vacation.

I wish you both the best and you both seem to be caring of each other.

My husband did not gamble and it took awhile for him to accept that gambling and Vegas were passions of mine and that it made me happy.

Wishing you the best outcome.

Clemi, I've brought it up several times as an option and I've been met with "no, I'll feel awful for switching our vacation based on this stupid thing." He realizes (at least a little) that it's irrational for him to be so upset about this but it just escalates if i'm being stubborn about it. I'm considering switching one of our reservations (Aria & Cosmo) to a non-casino hotel as a compromise, which I think could be a good alternative.

I agree that it seems like he's worried about me spending too much time gambling. I don't know what else to say other than "I'm going to be limiting my time gambling to an hour or two each day" -- maybe that i won't? or I won't every day? That's why switching to Vdara or MO could be a good option for us. I'll raise it again this weekend.

[DK528]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I don't want to bash him completely. He is a very nice, kind, funny guy.

We've gone back and forth all day about this. We know each other's positions. He realizes he's not expressing himself well -- he said he's trying to express love and I'm taking it as an attack. What I think he means by that is that he's excited for the trip, can't wait to spend that much time together, and doesn't want me disappearing for big chunks of the day. I get that. And I think I'll be extremely sensitive about it. And hopefully that will be good enough for now.

[clemi]

Clemi, I've brought it up several times as an option and I've been met with "no, I'll feel awful for switching our vacation based on this stupid thing." He realizes (at least a little) that it's irrational for him to be so upset about this but it just escalates if i'm being stubborn about it. I'm considering switching one of our reservations (Aria & Cosmo) to a non-casino hotel as a compromise, which I think could be a good alternative.

I agree that it seems like he's worried about me spending too much time gambling. I don't know what else to say other than "I'm going to be limiting my time gambling to an hour or two each day" -- maybe that i won't? or I won't every day? That's why switching to Vdara or MO could be a good option for us. I'll raise it again this weekend.

MO or Vdara sound like fabulous options! Add in some nice restaurants and a show and he'll see that Vegas is much more than gambling... Will you be happy with either of these properties? I've always wanted to stay at MO, hoping you consider it :)

[pkspins]

I just read all of what everyone wrote just now and it looks like you are responding still but I think this is a control issue.
Take that "it's gambling" with all the negative connotations that some put on it, take the financial issues out of it, etc..
It's something that you like to do, something that is not negatively affecting your life at all, and you are going on vacation to one of the premier destinations in the world for that activity, a destination that he chose, and he's giving you shit about wanting to partake in that activity while you are there??? After he met you in a casino??????

You also mentioned something I think about him reacting oddly to you talking about trips with your friends? That you thought might have been because he doesn't have a lot of discretionary income?

I am just seeing red flags with a lot of this. I'm sad about that. I only know the details about him from this thread.

I would just try to think about his behaviors and reactions taking the financial differences out of the equation and thinking about in in terms of your "hobby" being something else and not gambling.

[hccj]

DK258, Red flags in any relationship is the amount of times a person has to "defend" their significant other. Of course I haven't met you or your boyfriend, but I come from a long line of dysfunctional, co-dependent relationships (not with my husband, but growing up). Please be honest with yourself and be careful not to fall into a trap. The beauty of the beginning of relationships is that you can set the standard and pattern of interaction. If you don't do it correctly in the beginning, you can't go back and fix it easily.

You seem like a sweet person and I wish the best for you. I can tell you are torn. Good luck with the BF and in Vegas.

[TwoArmedBandito]

He's having troubles communicating his feelings? Typical man. Hhh!

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[DK528]

MO or Vdara sound like fabulous options! Add in some nice restaurants and a show and he'll see that Vegas is much more than gambling... Will you be happy with either of these properties? I've always wanted to stay at MO, hoping you consider it :)

I've stayed at both and really like them!


I just read all of what everyone wrote just now and it looks like you are responding still but I think this is a control issue.
Take that "it's gambling" with all the negative connotations that some put on it, take the financial issues out of it, etc..
It's something that you like to do, something that is not negatively affecting your life at all, and you are going on vacation to one of the premier destinations in the world for that activity, a destination that he chose, and he's giving you shit about wanting to partake in that activity while you are there??? After he met you in a casino??????

You also mentioned something I think about him reacting oddly to you talking about trips with your friends? That you thought might have been because he doesn't have a lot of discretionary income?

I am just seeing red flags with a lot of this. I'm sad about that. I only know the details about him from this thread.

I would just try to think about his behaviors and reactions taking the financial differences out of the equation and thinking about in in terms of your "hobby" being something else and not gambling.


DK258, Red flags in any relationship is the amount of times a person has to "defend" their significant other. Of course I haven't met you or your boyfriend, but I come from a long line of dysfunctional, co-dependent relationships (not with my husband, but growing up). Please be honest with yourself and be careful not to fall into a trap. The beauty of the beginning of relationships is that you can set the standard and pattern of interaction. If you don't do it correctly in the beginning, you can't go back and fix it easily.

You seem like a sweet person and I wish the best for you. I can tell you are torn. Good luck with the BF and in Vegas.

Thanks for the advice. The problem with posting something like this publicly and asking for advice is that yes, I'm probably going to come off as defensive. Especially if I want to be honest and upfront about the issues. But I do think it's something we can work through, I really do. Talking about it here, getting different viewpoints and different perspectives is helpful.

[MNvegasgal]

Dina,

Sometime when you ask us gamblers for advice.. We give our opinions with our life lessons (and our own baggage) connected. I see a pattern that everyone is trying to protect you.. Because you are our joker family. But just like the advice I was given regarding my daughter and her decisions.. We have to trust that you will make the best decisions for yourself. Worst case scenario is you go to Vegas....it sucks.. And you live and learn. There a million other things that could play out and it could be great.This is your life and your relationship. Trust in your inner voice and your gut. Your heart and head will lie to you.. But your gut will always be truthful. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers out to the universe that this trip is a great get away for you both!


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[DK528]

Thanks MNvegasgal. I know everyone has good intentions and is looking to protect me. My comment about getting defensive is just that it's the nature of the beast in this type of situation (at least I think so) because I'm spilling beans and sharing a part of my life. And one that's necessarily putting someone else in a bad light.

I really hope that we have a great time. For lots of reasons. And based on AC trips, we should! Just keep your fingers crossed :)


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[BorgataBabe]

DK528, coming from someone who has met you several times and has had nice conversations with you and genuinely likes you. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and I know your BF makes you happy. But I know gambling has also been a touchy subject since the beginning. I've expressed to you before that I feel gambling is a hobby to a lot of us here, we enjoy it, it helps us to unwind, win or lose. Most adults have hobbies, whether they golf, fish or buy expensive handbags. So since gambling is only something you do every 2 months I don't see why he has such a problem with it.

I also think he could be intimidated by your job and income, I think that's a touchy subject often when women are financially more well off than their partner.

I hope this all settles down and you enjoy Vegas, after all he chose the destination! I do hope this is something you will both get through, however he should not try to tell you to stop something that you do enjoy so much. Maybe he can hang at the pool in Vegas and girl watch while you gamble! I know, some woman may not like that advice, I don't think there's any harm in looking, as long as that's where it ends!!! He can hang at the pool, smoke cigars & have a few drinks and you can gamble!


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[BigDaddy]

Honestly, pick a different place to go.. Vegas will not be enjoyable once your there and he starts to make comments about your gambling.. There's lots of other places to go non-gambling related.. I'm thankful my wife approves and enjoys to gamble as well because if she didn't we probably would not be together.. Good Luck!!..:) ALL THE BEST!!

[SlotMommy]

Aww Dina...my heart really goes out to you because I know how much you care for this guy and it seems you really want things to work out between the two of you.

There are times my husband disapproves of my gambling and we've had many fights about it over the years. But usually we have fights when I play carelessly and / or play my winnings or hit the ATM. For that matter, I too am angry with myself during those times so I can only imagine how frustrating it is for him to see me behave this irresponsible way.

However, all the TR's I've read from you, you are so disciplined. You don't really even frequent the casino that much and when you do, you always seem very in control of your spending and you don't go on tilt (like I tend to do at times, lol).

Also, you are a hard worker and you are an established young woman, you're not gambling with money you can't afford so although his concerns are understandable given his relative that had a gambling problem, he needs to realize that that is a separate issue entirely and it does not pertain to you.

I have started going on solo trips within the past year or so and much to my surprise, I love them. It's nice not to have my husband questioning my every bet / move and to come and go as I please. Although I do love gambling with him, but he's honestly not much of a gambler and sometimes it's nice to have a little space for him to do things that he enjoys (that I particularly don't enjoy) and vice versa.

I strongly feel that you should not be taking your first vacation to Vegas, especially since your gambling is such a sore subject in your relationship. There's so many beautiful, romantic places you can visit together on your first vacation together. I think visiting Vegas will only add more fuel to this already burning fire.

I agree that you can't give up something you enjoy doing for him because it will definitely lead to resentment. However, I'm not sure if that's what he expects from you.

It just sounds like it's still early on in your relationship and he wants you all to himself...he doesn't want to share you with anyone (or anything for that matter). And I think that's sweet and for this reason, I think you should both find another destination where you can enjoy each other's company relaxing and getting to know one another even more and becoming even more closer and in love.

I wish the best of luck to you Dina. I hope you both can meet somewhere in the middle and find a solution to this tiny kink in your relationship.


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[phillycub]

I'm gonna speak on my own personal experience. My last relationship, my ex hated the fact of anything casino related, he looked and frowned down upon me for doing it. If I spent a $100, I was obsessive and compulsive and needed help. Mind you, my rent was paid, my car payment was paid, insurance, there was food on the table, bills were paid...nothing I did was good enough, so that was one of that many reasons I kicked his ass to the curb. I was not going to have no foot-stomping crazy lunatic man tell me what I can and cannot do with my money that I bust my ass for. (Another thing was that I made double what he made, he didn't like that fact either).

Either find some common ground or find someone who will accept you for you. I am lucky to have a boyfriend who likes to watch me lose my money (or win some money to share with him!) and enjoy ourselves. He knows for a comp room, a certain level of play is required and he doesn't mind playing 50-60 bucks on my card and helping out. It's something I enjoy and something he enjoys in moderation.

That's my 2 cents.

[TwoArmedBandito]

Chris has a good point. Maybe he needs to feel like he's a part of the comp thing. If he plays. Or buys anything . Have him get a card. He may not believe the first time offers that come to him. Eye opener maybe?

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[dvandentop]

This reminds me of when I was young I was dating a girl and picked her up one Friday night. I was happy and told her I couldn't wait till tommorrow she said why I said pheasant and quail season opens and I'm going hunting she informed me I wasn't going cause she didn't like hunting so I went around the block pulled in her driveway and said get the fuck out cause I'm going hunting in the morning she started whining about I can't believe you won't give it up for me I said well I won't so see ya later.

LMAO good old foamy hahah

[tee2green]

Dina,
I've only met you once and didn't find you intimidating in the least! I'm with trey on this one, go to Vegas and whatever transpires is meant to transpire. My DH could never understand why I talked to strangers online about gambling and was even more aghast that I wanted to meet them. I think his words before I left for my 1st M&G were "This is a one time thing right?" Fast forward to last Aug and after attending the AC greet with me, he loves you all as much as I do! I wish you the best in whatever the outcome may be.


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[Eva]

I just read the whole thread and I have to agree with lots of the posts.

My questions (can be answered within yourself) : You have been in Atlantic City together twice ? Whose idea was it for the first trip ? ... and for the second trip ? How did you spent the days (different ? less gambling ?)

His idea going to Las Vegas (beside being a hardcore test) ... What´s his idea for this vacation ? I know everybody (including me) says you can see and do a lot beside gambling.
Did he / the two of you make an itinerary ? Not as a tight schedule but to write down what can be done there (museums, hiking, etc) including browsing through the schedule of events for this time.

All the discussions about Las Vegas respectively the gambling ... I hope it didn´t destroy the fascination of this city.

[nancypants]

Hi DK528!

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. If it were me, I would go through with the Vegas vacation and gamble like I usually do. See how and if he reacts to it all.

From what I've read about him so far, there are some red flags (to me). Personally, I don't like it when someone pulls the "is it more important than me?!" card. It's not fair and he can pull that card at any time for anything, even family time you might be wanting down the road.

You shouldn't change yourself for anyone. Someone should love you for who you are and not have stipulations for doing so.

I just asked my husband for his opinion and he asked why your BF picked Vegas. He said you can't go to a chinese restaurant and expect a hamburger. LOL that's my philosophical husband for ya!


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[hytail]

Relationships are not my strong suit by any means but I'll pitch in here ...

I would be in the camp of choosing a different venue for your trip. There appears to be a level of conflict in the present venue which does not seem to further or enhance the bonding in a relatively new/growing relationship. That does not mean avoiding tackling the issue(s) by simply going elsewhere - but giving yourselves shelter to foster deeper bonds. Like GG expresses, if the gambling conflict is not resolved but merely masked, it may negatively influence the success of a marriage. I assume that is what you desire, but I could be mistaken.

Like Derek mentions, typically he should be falling head over heels for you rather than focusing on things you do that bother him. You should be confident about who you are, your ways and means. Alternatively, it is also admirable he wants to address the gambling conflict head on now rather than later (or just ignore it now and risk the possibility it creates more serious conflict in the future).

Ultimately, it may have to come down to compromise, one of you or both. Or one of you may have to let the other one know that bird hunting it is going to be.


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[owls]

I actually have and wear this tee-shirt. My husband of 36 years didn't mind that I played slots and won....for awhile.
Of course, I was working FT and earned a pretty fair income, so had some money I could play with. He was great with it if I won, but when I was chasing losses, not so great. Then my Mom got sick, and I retired to take care of her.

It became miserable after that. Right now I'm not gambling. I think you have to ask yourself...what next? What's he going to as me to give up next.

I'd go on the Vegas trip, have fun on it. Gamble some, go to shows, do some non-gambling activities.
Tough deal, I don't envy you having to make this decision. But I'm equally sure you make the decision that's right for you.