Advice re significant others disapproving of gambling

Hi everyone, I am hoping someone here has had a similar situation and can offer some advice or words of encouragement. And I'll apologize in advance for the length of the post.

I met my bf in AC last summer. I've been pretty upfront since about my gambling since then.

We're going on vacation in a month. I may have mentioned this -- I got a great bonus at work this year, it's the first year I haven't had to put the bulk of it to student loans, and so I want to treat us to a vacation. I proposed that I'd pick up the big-ticket items (hotel and air) and he could pick the destination. He picked Vegas -- back in February. Since then, it's been a semi-constant issue for us and I just don't know what to do and I'm also sick of being defensive.

He doesn't like the idea that I said I would "have to" gamble each day we're there. I think I phrased it poorly with the "have to" but I meant it more that I like to gamble, we're going to be in Vegas and we're going to be staying at these fantastic hotels on my comps, so there was play expected too. I did say that I expect to gamble only an hour or two each day since there's plenty of other stuff we'll want to do there. I've offered also to switch to staying at a non-casino hotel or staying at the places we're booked at ... not through my offers.

I think, quite honestly, that he thinks I have a gambling problem. I think that stems mainly from my personality which borders on obsessive (ha) and so when I find something I like (straight no chaser, Mets & Rangers, slotting, my friends even) I really put a lot of effort in or I learn a lot about it or get excited about it. So he sees me get excited about the offers I receive or if we're at the casino, seeing a high progressive on 88 fortunes and wanting to play that machine, and is uncomfortable with that. It doesn't help that I told him my mom disapproves too.

But I think it's really more my personality type than me having a problem (let me know if you disagree). I'm incredibly responsible with my money otherwise ... and I'm also very generous with it -- with my siblings mainly but also with him.

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.

I don't mean to portray him in such a bad light -- he really is a great guy otherwise -- but I don't want this to ruin our trip or to irreparably harm our relationship. One solution could be for me not to gamble there but I think that's unfair -- it's something I like to do and we're in Vegas of all places.

So .... this is a long way of asking -- has anyone on this great forum dealt with a similar situation? I'd love to hear any words of wisdom. The answer isn't breaking up with him over this -- he's more important to me than gambling so probably the longer-term effect of this could be less gambling -- but at the moment, I want to make sure our first vacation together is a good one. The answer could be to tell him to get over himself already -- he's certainly a baby in certain respects -- I'll give you that :)

Thanks!!

I should also mention that he realizes it's something I enjoy doing and that he has to accept it. But it's been more difficult in practice than theory.


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Some people just don't get the gambling thing. They can't understand why we like to do it with hard earned money.
This will most likely never change.
In Japan often the husband and wife take separate vacations. A custom maybe to adopt in usa.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

I will give you a short and sweet answer. Give up gambling or give up him.

When I first met my husband he was the exact same way. Good guy but just didn't understand why I liked to gamble. It never was a big issue because I told him that this is what I like do. If he wanted to marry me, this is a part of who I am. He is a gamer and loves all things electronics and spends his money on stuff like that. At first, I would go on my trips with friends or solo. He started coming on some trips and we would hang out, do non gambling stuff but he understood that I would gamble how long I wanted without feeling pressured. Fast forward 14 years, he still doesn't gamble anything like I do but we just learned to compromise on stuff.

The one thing I can advise is to try and find a happy medium between you two. If this is something you truly don't want to give up, address it now or farther down the road, it may become a problem between you two. Hope that helps.

That is for you two decide if you can find some middle ground but if there is a problem it won't get better till you address it completely. Laurie hardly ever gambled till our son went to college one time I won a bunch and told her "I was going to spllit it with you but you have been disrespectful" huge mistake. hhh Just trying to add a little levity. But you will figure it out I'm sure.

I thought you met at a casino?

Is he exhibiting any insecurity issues about your other activities (yet)?

It's sooo important you get to do things you like without some guilt trip from your partner. Resentment destroys relationships. Are you going to be able to enjoy yourself in Vegas slotting alone knowing he's scowling about it?

Ultimately Gene's answer may be what it comes down to.

Hi Dina,

Firstly, gambling, to my mind anyway, is problematic when your cash goes in slot machines as opposed to paying your bills. That it's your money and your choice what to do with it is plenty justification. I have the same type A personality and go headlong into things so completely understand your obsession.

I think you should try again to get him into it. Moyra had never gambled before we went to Vegas and has never gambled outside American casinos but it's a fun hobby for us and she's as big, if not a bigger, fan of slots than me now. Other than that, we're almost complete opposites - I have hobbies and friends she has nothing to do with and her likewise and that's served us well for 20 years. Even if he doesn't want to play, being a 1-man cheering section for your efforts whilst enjoying free drinks and not risking any of his own money sounds like a nice way to spend a couple of hours.

Hope he comes round to your way of thinking or at least understands a wee bit better that it's something you like. Anyone who would make you give up something you want to do or make you feel like you should consider it probably isn't a keeper.

Cheers,

Billy

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Originally Posted by DK528

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.

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I have to say that this seems a bit possessive and / or insecure to me. To which I would try to make a deal with him...like I will be in the casino from 1 to 3 today...so he knows what you will be doing.

Ultimately though it may come down to what Gene said. Good luck and I hope you guys can come up with something that works for both of you

I don't know if marriage is in your plans with him but if it is, the anger he has over your gambling will elevate ten fold.

Right now your relationship is in the courtship stage and he is just letting you know in subtle ways that he disapproves of your gambling but
if and when you are married, all hell will break loose!

Dina, I want to say that from following your past reports and your current travels, you seem to have already curtailed your gambling quite a bit. You have to find you happy medium. I don't think his comments are fair.. When he picked Las Vegas. I do think it will take a sit down heart to heart. He might not understand that the rooms may be technically free.. But if he wants to come back sometime, you need that play to. Continue the relationship. Put down on paper the cost of the rooms at normal booking price and any perks you receive so he can see the value add. Maybe you can put a time frame on solo gaming (send him for a massage for a few hours). My DH enjoys Vegas for the golf, sports betting and craps.. I like the spas food and slots. Totally different likes but the place works for both of us. I wish you the best as you filter through all this.


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Most non gamblers truly don't understand. I think you should just be honest with him about how it makes you feel. I would say this is something that you enjoy doing and he needs to accept that just as I'm sure there may be things about him that you don't like but choose to accept because you care for him. I would not go to Vegas for the vacation if the expectation is that you will not gamble at all, choose another destination. It would be torture to be in my happy place and not be able to do things that make me happy. Money is a very big issue in many marriages and I think a critical issue to talk about when/if you think the relationship could go towards marriage. I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do with money you earn from your hard work. As long as you are not borrowing money from them to support your gambling, it's not for them to complain about. I'm sure you don't tell them how to spend their money. I don't think you can make anyone enjoy gambling that just doesn't get it but I think they should still respect that you do enjoy it. I wish you good luck in the relationship but I think the best way to handle is simply being honest about it. I don't think you should quit gambling unless you are doing for yourself or you will end up resenting him. You shouldn't have to change yourself to make someone else happy.


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Originally Posted by DK528

Hi everyone, I am hoping someone here has had a similar situation and can offer some advice or words of encouragement. And I'll apologize in advance for the length of the post.

I met my bf in AC last summer. I've been pretty upfront since about my gambling since then.

We're going on vacation in a month. I may have mentioned this -- I got a great bonus at work this year, it's the first year I haven't had to put the bulk of it to student loans, and so I want to treat us to a vacation. I proposed that I'd pick up the big-ticket items (hotel and air) and he could pick the destination. He picked Vegas -- back in February. Since then, it's been a semi-constant issue for us and I just don't know what to do and I'm also sick of being defensive.

He doesn't like the idea that I said I would "have to" gamble each day we're there. I think I phrased it poorly with the "have to" but I meant it more that I like to gamble, we're going to be in Vegas and we're going to be staying at these fantastic hotels on my comps, so there was play expected too. I did say that I expect to gamble only an hour or two each day since there's plenty of other stuff we'll want to do there. I've offered also to switch to staying at a non-casino hotel or staying at the places we're booked at ... not through my offers.

I think, quite honestly, that he thinks I have a gambling problem. I think that stems mainly from my personality which borders on obsessive (ha) and so when I find something I like (straight no chaser, Mets & Rangers, slotting, my friends even) I really put a lot of effort in or I learn a lot about it or get excited about it. So he sees me get excited about the offers I receive or if we're at the casino, seeing a high progressive on 88 fortunes and wanting to play that machine, and is uncomfortable with that. It doesn't help that I told him my mom disapproves too.

But I think it's really more my personality type than me having a problem (let me know if you disagree). I'm incredibly responsible with my money otherwise ... and I'm also very generous with it -- with my siblings mainly but also with him.

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.

I don't mean to portray him in such a bad light -- he really is a great guy otherwise -- but I don't want this to ruin our trip or to irreparably harm our relationship. One solution could be for me not to gamble there but I think that's unfair -- it's something I like to do and we're in Vegas of all places.

So .... this is a long way of asking -- has anyone on this great forum dealt with a similar situation? I'd love to hear any words of wisdom. The answer isn't breaking up with him over this -- he's more important to me than gambling so probably the longer-term effect of this could be less gambling -- but at the moment, I want to make sure our first vacation together is a good one. The answer could be to tell him to get over himself already -- he's certainly a baby in certain respects -- I'll give you that :)

Thanks!!

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I can relate to this .i see it this way .did you gamble before you meeting him (im betting Yes)did you tell him about your gambling habit during the time you where dating( im betting Yes Again ) to be blunt id say deal with it as long as its your $$$ that your using he shouldn't care .BUT ! (& here's the but ) ya still gotta set time aside to do things with him that are not gambling related .

@DK528, this is tough one for sure! I've been with my husband since 1975 and he hates gambling. Long story, but one of his grandfathers had a terrible gambling problem so he grew up thinking it was one of the biggest evils there is. I practically grew up at the racetrack, and it was just accepted as the norm in my family.

I just wrote our life story, and decided it was way too self indulgent and overkill, anyway - HHH. The bottom line is, he loves me and trusts my judgement and is able to accept that gambling is something I love. But, since he doesn't enjoy it (or even approve of it) it is something I do without him. Luckily, he has found some things he really enjoys that bore me to tears. For us, it works well to have these separate interests.

I know some couples are joined at the hip and do absolutely everything together and I think that is wonderful. But loving happy couples can also have completely different interests and spend time separately enjoying those things, and still have a fabulous relationship.

I don't think that changing who you are, or giving up the things that you love, is the answer. And hoping that he will come around and enjoy gambling is a long shot, IMO.

If it were me, I think I would shit can the Vegas vacation and go somewhere without gambling, or where gambling isn't so 'in your face' as Vegas, for this first vacation together. I know you really like him, so I hope you can talk it through and find the right balance.

Wow I have no words of wisdom, sorry. But there is a lot of good advice here!!!!!

Dina you are smart and from what I've read from your TR's you handle your BR nicely and don't seem to spend more than your budget allows.
Most of us play slots because it is entertainment and a non-thinking, relaxing activity. It's FUN. I wish you the best but I know one thing that a few have said here and that is don't change for anyone. You appear to really enjoy playing slots and going to different resorts, concerts, nice dinners and meeting up with Jokers and other friends. I hope y'all kind find a nice middle ground especially if y'all think you might have a future together. Good Luck :)

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try and group your helpful posts into categories so I can respond using my phone :).

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Originally Posted by TwoArmedBandito

Some people just don't get the gambling thing. They can't understand why we like to do it with hard earned money.
This will most likely never change.
In Japan often the husband and wife take separate vacations. A custom maybe to adopt in usa.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

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Originally Posted by Stephiede11

When I first met my husband he was the exact same way. Good guy but just didn't understand why I liked to gamble. It never was a big issue because I told him that this is what I like do. If he wanted to marry me, this is a part of who I am. He is a gamer and loves all things electronics and spends his money on stuff like that. At first, I would go on my trips with friends or solo. He started coming on some trips and we would hang out, do non gambling stuff but he understood that I would gamble how long I wanted without feeling pressured. Fast forward 14 years, he still doesn't gamble anything like I do but we just learned to compromise on stuff.

The one thing I can advise is to try and find a happy medium between you two. If this is something you truly don't want to give up, address it now or farther down the road, it may become a problem between you two. Hope that helps.

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Originally Posted by Nhcris

@DK528, this is tough one for sure! I've been with my husband since 1975 and he hates gambling. Long story, but one of his grandfathers had a terrible gambling problem so he grew up thinking it was one of the biggest evils there is. I practically grew up at the racetrack, and it was just accepted as the norm in my family.

I just wrote our life story, and decided it was way too self indulgent and overkill, anyway - HHH. The bottom line is, he loves me and trusts my judgement and is able to accept that gambling is something I love. But, since he doesn't enjoy it (or even approve of it) it is something I do without him. Luckily, he has found some things he really enjoys that bore me to tears. For us, it works well to have these separate interests.

I know some couples are joined at the hip and do absolutely everything together and I think that is wonderful. But loving happy couples can also have completely different interests and spend time separately enjoying those things, and still have a fabulous relationship.

I don't think that changing who you are, or giving up the things that you love, is the answer. And hoping that he will come around and enjoy gambling is a long shot, IMO.

If it were me, I think I would shit can the Vegas vacation and go somewhere without gambling, or where gambling isn't so 'in your face' as Vegas, for this first vacation together. I know you really like him, so I hope you can talk it through and find the right balance.

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I am definitely way more independent than he is. Both of my full sisters are too - we like our alone time and have no qualms about doing things on our own. He's not as into that as I am.

So the idea that I would do this without him is fine with me. Except for two things - we actually had two great, fun trips to AC in October and January where I gambled a fair amount and we had a great time. When I went solo in March I missed him - it was just different going with him.

The second thing is that he has a different perspective on couples doing things apart. He just does. Obviously we won't be joined at the hip forever but when I've mentioned the idea of a girls vacation, he doesn't understand. I think that relates to not having many vacation days in previous jobs and also that he doesn't has as much discretionary income as I do - so he doesn't share the perspective of having enough $$ to go on trips with him and with my friends.

Another example may be illustrative. He loves to smoke cigars and do so ocCasionally. I cannot stand the smell. I'm perfectly content for him to go smoke a cigar for an hour and be apart. I know he enjoys it but I can't be around it. I wouldn't want him to stop doing it so when we're in Vegas, I want him to enjoy that and I'm ok with us being apart for that period of time.

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Originally Posted by goldengreeke

I will give you a short and sweet answer. Give up gambling or give up him.

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Originally Posted by treyster

I thought you met at a casino?

Is he exhibiting any insecurity issues about your other activities (yet)?

It's sooo important you get to do things you like without some guilt trip from your partner. Resentment destroys relationships. Are you going to be able to enjoy yourself in Vegas slotting alone knowing he's scowling about it?

Ultimately Gene's answer may be what it comes down to.

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Originally Posted by Mary9915

I have to say that this seems a bit possessive and / or insecure to me. To which I would try to make a deal with him...like I will be in the casino from 1 to 3 today...so he knows what you will be doing.

Ultimately though it may come down to what Gene said. Good luck and I hope you guys can come up with something that works for both of you

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Originally Posted by goldengreeke

I don't know if marriage is in your plans with him but if it is, the anger he has over your gambling will elevate ten fold.

Right now your relationship is in the courtship stage and he is just letting you know in subtle ways that he disapproves of your gambling but
if and when you are married, all hell will break loose!

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Trey, we did meet at a casino - borgata! He was in AC for a bachelor party and I was there for my annual trip with my friends to see the a cappella group. I also don't know if I'll be able to enjoy my gambling time in Vegas this trip. I'll feel pressure to get it done quickly.

He's not insecure about other things I do. But he has definitely expressed disapproval about this. And when I think about if I would give up gambling to stay in the relationship, I have two conflicting thoughts:

1. I probably would resent it and him a little bit. Maybe I'm being stubborn but I can't understand why he's so bothered by it - it's my money and I'm responsible with it!

2. If this does continue and lead to marriage and kids, I probably will heavily curtail my gambling anyways bc of budget and timing issues. Combined with if I take almost any other job than the one I have at a big law firm, my salary will decrease severely. So it may be inevitable that the issue could resolve itself on its own.

Mary, I thought I did that when I said "yes I'll be gambling some every day but it'll only be an hour or two." I thought that was upfront but a concession in terms of time. But he saw it as "no matter if I'm having a good time with you, I'll have to leave you to gamble."

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Originally Posted by foamy

That is for you two decide if you can find some middle ground but if there is a problem it won't get better till you address it completely. Laurie hardly ever gambled till our son went to college one time I won a bunch and told her "I was going to spllit it with you but you have been disrespectful" huge mistake. hhh Just trying to add a little levity. But you will figure it out I'm sure.

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What's hard for me is that he can't articulate specifically what bothers him other than it worries him that I get excited about it and as a former smoker, he's worried abt me being addicted to it. Maybe that's enough - haha. But I suspect it also has to do with the difference in our incomes and I don't want to be the one to bring that up first.

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Originally Posted by Wynnvegas

Hi Dina,

Firstly, gambling, to my mind anyway, is problematic when your cash goes in slot machines as opposed to paying your bills. That it's your money and your choice what to do with it is plenty justification. I have the same type A personality and go headlong into things so completely understand your obsession.

I think you should try again to get him into it. Moyra had never gambled before we went to Vegas and has never gambled outside American casinos but it's a fun hobby for us and she's as big, if not a bigger, fan of slots than me now. Other than that, we're almost complete opposites - I have hobbies and friends she has nothing to do with and her likewise and that's served us well for 20 years. Even if he doesn't want to play, being a 1-man cheering section for your efforts whilst enjoying free drinks and not risking any of his own money sounds like a nice way to spend a couple of hours.

Hope he comes round to your way of thinking or at least understands a wee bit better that it's something you like. Anyone who would make you give up something you want to do or make you feel like you should consider it probably isn't a keeper.

Cheers,

Billy

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that's a great idea about him being my cheering squad, Billy, and I suggested something similar - esp bc Aria and Cosmo have such great free drinks. He said something abt feeling uncomfortable seeing me feed machines money. But maybe he can get past that at times so we can slot together - Cosmo has some machines with those big comfy seats.

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Originally Posted by MNvegasgal

Dina, I want to say that from following your past reports and your current travels, you seem to have already curtailed your gambling quite a bit. You have to find you happy medium. I don't think his comments are fair.. When he picked Las Vegas. I do think it will take a sit down heart to heart. He might not understand that the rooms may be technically free.. But if he wants to come back sometime, you need that play to. Continue the relationship. Put down on paper the cost of the rooms at normal booking price and any perks you receive so he can see the value add. Maybe you can put a time frame on solo gaming (send him for a massage for a few hours). My DH enjoys Vegas for the golf, sports betting and craps.. I like the spas food and slots. Totally different likes but the place works for both of us. I wish you the best as you filter through all this.


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Thanks Cece. I've tried explaining the comps to him. And as a non-gambler, he doesn't get it. He'll say "you're gambling with thousands of dollars to get a free $300 room." And I'll respond with "no, I'm gambling at the levels I'm comfortable gambling at, bc I enjoy it, and j get these free things as a result." So we talk past each other about it.

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Originally Posted by Georgiagambler

Most non gamblers truly don't understand. I think you should just be honest with him about how it makes you feel. I would say this is something that you enjoy doing and he needs to accept that just as I'm sure there may be things about him that you don't like but choose to accept because you care for him. I would not go to Vegas for the vacation if the expectation is that you will not gamble at all, choose another destination. It would be torture to be in my happy place and not be able to do things that make me happy. Money is a very big issue in many marriages and I think a critical issue to talk about when/if you think the relationship could go towards marriage. I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do with money you earn from your hard work. As long as you are not borrowing money from them to support your gambling, it's not for them to complain about. I'm sure you don't tell them how to spend their money. I don't think you can make anyone enjoy gambling that just doesn't get it but I think they should still respect that you do enjoy it. I wish you good luck in the relationship but I think the best way to handle is simply being honest about it. I don't think you should quit gambling unless you are doing for yourself or you will end up resenting him. You shouldn't have to change yourself to make someone else happy.


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Thanks GG. I have suggested on a few occasions that we switch our vacation spot as a result of these convos. And he said he would feel terrible if we did that bc of this issue, which he acknowledges he should accept.

And I don't tell him how to spend his $. I bit my tongue on numerous occasions this spring when he was moving into a new place and spent a ton on new furnishing - even though we've started discussing moving in together and I have some quality furniture already that he really likes.

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Originally Posted by charlie50

I can relate to this .i see it this way .did you gamble before you meeting him (im betting Yes)did you tell him about your gambling habit during the time you where dating( im betting Yes Again ) to be blunt id say deal with it as long as its your $$$ that your using he shouldn't care .BUT ! (& here's the but ) ya still gotta set time aside to do things with him that are not gambling related .

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Exactly Charlie. He knew this from the beginning. I remember him saying he was intimidated the night he met me for three reasons - I'm a lawyer, I live in Manhattan and I have a borgata black card! I would hope that the jokers who have met me would not think I'm intimidating!

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Originally Posted by Jeani

Dina you are smart and from what I've read from your TR's you handle your BR nicely and don't seem to spend more than your budget allows.
Most of us play slots because it is entertainment and a non-thinking, relaxing activity. It's FUN. I wish you the best but I know one thing that a few have said here and that is don't change for anyone. You appear to really enjoy playing slots and going to different resorts, concerts, nice dinners and meeting up with Jokers and other friends. I hope y'all kind find a nice middle ground especially if y'all think you might have a future together. Good Luck :)

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Thanks Jeani. I'm hoping it works out with this. I can't imagine losing my first serious boyfriend in many many years over something I do once every couple of months and with a small portion of my income!

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Originally Posted by Curlyd

Wow I have no words of wisdom, sorry. But there is a lot of good advice here!!!!!

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Thanks for the note at least and I agree, lots of good advice!

Dina, you've stated that you are a very generous person towards siblings & some friends. You also stated that your BF doesn't have much discretionary income. After analyzing what you've said I can picture a situation where the BF in this relationship is becoming "controlling" over you and your $$. Could it be that he thinks that the money that you spend for gambling takes your $$ (generosity) away from him? I know that there are alotta guys out there that have no shame in taking advantage of women and their monies. This is my twist on this and I have to agree with @goldengreeke on this one : )

I would change the plans and go somewhere besides Vegas sounds like it would become an issue during the trip and no one wants to be fighting or arguing during a vacation together.

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Originally Posted by dvandentop

I would change the plans and go somewhere besides Vegas sounds like it would become an issue during the trip and no one wants to be fighting or arguing during a vacation together.

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I do agree with this.

It sound like you two really enjoy being together. I hope that you guys can figure out something that makes both parties comfortable! :love_heart::love_heart:

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Originally Posted by slotbender

Dina, you've stated that you are a very generous person towards siblings & some friends. You also stated that your BF doesn't have much discretionary income. After analyzing what you've said I can picture a situation where the BF in this relationship is becoming "controlling" over you and your $$. Could it be that he thinks that the money that you spend for gambling takes your $$ (generosity) away from him? I know that there are alotta guys out there that have no shame in taking advantage of women and their monies. This is my twist on this and I have to agree with @goldengreeke on this one : )

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Thanks, slotbender. He's not really like that abt money generally. We're pretty evenly split, skewing towards him paying, for everyday dating things. I've treated on some nice meals but he picks up the tab on most of our dates. I think it's more that he's insecure about the differences? And me gambling is an easy way to tell the difference in discretionary income.

He's really not a bad guy - he's pretty wonderful in many other areas. I feel like I'm portraying him very badly and that makes me sad.

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Originally Posted by dvandentop

I would change the plans and go somewhere besides Vegas sounds like it would become an issue during the trip and no one wants to be fighting or arguing during a vacation together.

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I've offered to change many times at this point. The issue now is that we're going away beginning the Friday of MDW and airfare to many other places is really high. I do think we'll have a ton of fun in Vegas for all of the other things that Vegas offers. At least that's what I'm hoping.

I think if you don't talk about it and just let Vegas flow as it comes. Don't drop the bags and run immediately to the casino, like anyone of us do..haha Like others have said, you will have to find the happy medium. As it is your interest, he will have to learn to accept it at some point. He does seem like a good guy, it's just that change of mentality of how it is considered entertainment and not just throwing money away that may take awhile to get used to. Good luck Dina! :)

Dina,

I have had similar situations, my gambling time is an escape from my routine daily life that I enjoy. I pay my bills and am responsible with my $$$ but my GF's have far less $$ that they are comfortable risking gambling, they would rather go buy a $300 purse etc...

I recommend always being honest, for me I gamble solo early in the morning, let her have leaisurely morning, return with a coffee and baileys then we go about our day in Vegas, at points during the day we will gamble together but we keep ourselves busy with activities and nice meals, shopping etc..I don't let the gambling deter from having a great couples vacation. I will nap at the pool while she suntans.

I do have my solo guys trips (That I recommend) where it is all about me and I blow off steam and golf drink too much etc. But it doesn't take away from the fact I love my time with GF but we don't need to be together 24/7.

I guess my point is a relationship is all about compromise. Don't let him be a DICK tator....

I agree with a lot of others here. I think its all about compromise and a happy medium in a relationship. I think you can make this trip work out for the both of you. I wish you a great time in Vegas and lots of Good Luck. Hope to meet you in AC this summer.

Don't you just love all of us Dr Phils out here on the forum lol;

The thing that concerns me is that right now your money is your money, so he shouldn't really complain about how you spend it.

Once married ALL that changes. What use to be only YOUR money is now his money also and if you gamble with what he feels is HIS money....I see disaster.

[QUOTE=DK528;109868]I should also mention that he realizes it's something I enjoy doing and that he has to accept it. But it's been more difficult in practice than theory.

You actually know he doesn't have to accept it and will make you miserable if you continue to gamble.
With a Vegas vacation planned just a few weeks away you should be thinking of what a great time is coming with no worries. :topsy_turvy:

Maybe some other Jokers will be in Vegas MDW and can entertain this young man while you're out herding the buffalo.

Honestly, I would cancel the Vegas vacay, then throw a fit and cry and make him feel guilty... Men won't admit it, but most of them are addicted to Big Drama, even more so than women - truth!!

My Dr. Phil advise ..... Communicate, communicate, communicate. Is he aware of how concerned you are about this? You both need to sit down and formulate a compromise that you both can be happy with. He shouldn't want to change what makes you happy and you need to be respectful of his feelings. Being able to reach a compromise that works well for both of you will be the basis of many future compromises you'll need to make if this becomes a long term relationship. If he can't compromise on this it may be a sign that he won't compromise going forward. I really hope this works out for you! It's obvious that you like this guy and are hoping he may be " the one." I'm rooting for you!

One more thing. I made significantly more money than DH at the beginning of our marriage. It was very hard for him to deal with. We dealt with it by always discussing major purchases and making sure to budget our expenses together. This really is a hard issues for some men to deal with.



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As foamy already said I rarely gambled for the first 18 years of our marriage. Just didn't enjoy it and was raised in a family where no one did. His family all did! I didn't mind staying home while he went to the casino with friends but it sounds like your BF would mind so that makes it harder. Not sure if you mentioned if he has been to LV before? Not a very fun destination for non-gamblers even with the shows, spas and dining because the gambling is so in your face.
After our Son moved out I went along just to get out on a Friday night and then I hit my first and only hand pay and was hooked. Our Son by the way hates gambling. He will do it on occasion if we go to a concert and he can enjoy a drink and cigar while low rolling. But it is really hard to get him to step foot in a casino and then it is only for a short time. The same way I used to be!
I would think he has some hobbies that you don't enjoy? Also thinking his view on spending all your time together will change eventually. You know him better than you can describe here to all of us so go with your instincts. He has to be willing to give you space or it most likely won't work between you IMO
There are enough people here that have proven it can work between you if you both don't enjoy gambling. Maybe try to get him to hang out in another place in the casino like watching games at a sportsbook or bar while you slot?

Thanks everyone. I have a lot of work to get done this afternoon but will respond to your points tonight.

He and I have had an upsetting text message convo about this today already following up on our discussions last night.

I am trying my best to understand. Especially when he writes things like:

"I don't think I have anything that's so important to me that I would let it become something between us. I guess I don't understand why the gambling is so important to you."

I think that's unfair to phrase it that way. But those are his feelings on the subject. I just wish he could articulate at all why the gambling bothers him so much. And as you know, it's something I do infrequently - every 2 months on average? It's not as if I'm going frequently enough that I actually talk abt gambling with him every week. I think we talk abt the "issue" way more than I talk about me gambling!



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Jesus Dina, he's not making this easy!

As others have said, to pick Vegas as a destination, knowing your slot hobby, then expecting you not to do it is a bit out of order. I suspect that you're right and that you earning significantly more than him is a big part of the issue. I absolutely don't see a way of bringing that up that ends at all well though. Feeling "less than", if it is the case, is something that will likely eat away at someone and the only thing worse is having a partner bring it right into the open. However genuine and well meaning your insistence that it isn't an issue, it will come across to someone who doesn't want to hear it as condescension.

Sorry you're in such a no-win position here. I hope he comes to his senses and starts acting more reasonably sharpish.

Cheers,

Billy

This is not something to take lightly and you seem to really care for this guy. One lessen that life has taught me - you have to change because You want the change...not for someone else. Today it's gambling, tomorrow it could other hobbies/your friends. Don't set that precedence so you won't end up resenting your decisions or him. Good luck with your conversation tonight. At least he is open to trying to figure it out. I do however agree with those that suggest another vacation location...temptation is a bitch.

I say go to Vegas as planned. It will just speed up whatever's going to eventually happen.

I made sure Linda was Vegas Compatible when we started dating. It sounds shallow but it was important to me.

Have you guys been dating for over a year? he should still be more concerned about going down on you still then trying to change your hobbys. Lol maybe ask him if he had a bad experience with gambling on the past or some relative etc...

His text is just wrong, will he insist on you not going away for your girls weekends or to SNC concerts because it takes time away from him? It's a hobby, you do very infrequently, that should not bother him. My guess, as others have said, is that it may be a money and insecurity issue, more than a gambling issue.
Also, he picked Vegas! What did he think people did there? It would be like Adam telling me we were going to Disney World but saying I couldn't go on any of the rides!
And being someone that has met him in person, at a casino, he did not seem bothered to be in a casino and was very nice (I suspect one big exciting slot win may be what he needs to like it more).
Also, even if gambling habits may change down the line (with a new job, kids, etc. as you mentioned) it has to be on your terms, not something he dictates. You have to be comfortable being yourself and he should adore you for that, not try to change what he doesn't like or agree with.
I'm going to show this to Adam later and get his take on it also since he was not as into slotting when we met but has come around! Lol!
I don't envy the situation he put you in, you aren't going to go to Vegas and not gamble.

I hate to say this but he is itching for a fight if he hates gambling so much why would he pick Vegas? He also stated he wouldn't let anything come before us but he is what he should have said is you can't let anything come between us. I understand that we won't win gambling and many people have had big problems with gambling but many have not.