Advice re significant others disapproving of gambling

[DK528]

Hi everyone, I am hoping someone here has had a similar situation and can offer some advice or words of encouragement. And I'll apologize in advance for the length of the post.

I met my bf in AC last summer. I've been pretty upfront since about my gambling since then.

We're going on vacation in a month. I may have mentioned this -- I got a great bonus at work this year, it's the first year I haven't had to put the bulk of it to student loans, and so I want to treat us to a vacation. I proposed that I'd pick up the big-ticket items (hotel and air) and he could pick the destination. He picked Vegas -- back in February. Since then, it's been a semi-constant issue for us and I just don't know what to do and I'm also sick of being defensive.

He doesn't like the idea that I said I would "have to" gamble each day we're there. I think I phrased it poorly with the "have to" but I meant it more that I like to gamble, we're going to be in Vegas and we're going to be staying at these fantastic hotels on my comps, so there was play expected too. I did say that I expect to gamble only an hour or two each day since there's plenty of other stuff we'll want to do there. I've offered also to switch to staying at a non-casino hotel or staying at the places we're booked at ... not through my offers.

I think, quite honestly, that he thinks I have a gambling problem. I think that stems mainly from my personality which borders on obsessive (ha) and so when I find something I like (straight no chaser, Mets & Rangers, slotting, my friends even) I really put a lot of effort in or I learn a lot about it or get excited about it. So he sees me get excited about the offers I receive or if we're at the casino, seeing a high progressive on 88 fortunes and wanting to play that machine, and is uncomfortable with that. It doesn't help that I told him my mom disapproves too.

But I think it's really more my personality type than me having a problem (let me know if you disagree). I'm incredibly responsible with my money otherwise ... and I'm also very generous with it -- with my siblings mainly but also with him.

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.

I don't mean to portray him in such a bad light -- he really is a great guy otherwise -- but I don't want this to ruin our trip or to irreparably harm our relationship. One solution could be for me not to gamble there but I think that's unfair -- it's something I like to do and we're in Vegas of all places.

So .... this is a long way of asking -- has anyone on this great forum dealt with a similar situation? I'd love to hear any words of wisdom. The answer isn't breaking up with him over this -- he's more important to me than gambling so probably the longer-term effect of this could be less gambling -- but at the moment, I want to make sure our first vacation together is a good one. The answer could be to tell him to get over himself already -- he's certainly a baby in certain respects -- I'll give you that

Thanks!!

[DK528]

I should also mention that he realizes it's something I enjoy doing and that he has to accept it. But it's been more difficult in practice than theory.


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[TwoArmedBandito]

Some people just don't get the gambling thing. They can't understand why we like to do it with hard earned money.
This will most likely never change.
In Japan often the husband and wife take separate vacations. A custom maybe to adopt in usa.

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[goldengreeke]

I will give you a short and sweet answer. Give up gambling or give up him.

[Stephiede11]

When I first met my husband he was the exact same way. Good guy but just didn't understand why I liked to gamble. It never was a big issue because I told him that this is what I like do. If he wanted to marry me, this is a part of who I am. He is a gamer and loves all things electronics and spends his money on stuff like that. At first, I would go on my trips with friends or solo. He started coming on some trips and we would hang out, do non gambling stuff but he understood that I would gamble how long I wanted without feeling pressured. Fast forward 14 years, he still doesn't gamble anything like I do but we just learned to compromise on stuff.

The one thing I can advise is to try and find a happy medium between you two. If this is something you truly don't want to give up, address it now or farther down the road, it may become a problem between you two. Hope that helps.

[foamy]

That is for you two decide if you can find some middle ground but if there is a problem it won't get better till you address it completely. Laurie hardly ever gambled till our son went to college one time I won a bunch and told her "I was going to spllit it with you but you have been disrespectful" huge mistake. hhh Just trying to add a little levity. But you will figure it out I'm sure.

[treyster]

I thought you met at a casino?

Is he exhibiting any insecurity issues about your other activities (yet)?

It's sooo important you get to do things you like without some guilt trip from your partner. Resentment destroys relationships. Are you going to be able to enjoy yourself in Vegas slotting alone knowing he's scowling about it?

Ultimately Gene's answer may be what it comes down to.

[Wynnvegas]

Hi Dina,

Firstly, gambling, to my mind anyway, is problematic when your cash goes in slot machines as opposed to paying your bills. That it's your money and your choice what to do with it is plenty justification. I have the same type A personality and go headlong into things so completely understand your obsession.

I think you should try again to get him into it. Moyra had never gambled before we went to Vegas and has never gambled outside American casinos but it's a fun hobby for us and she's as big, if not a bigger, fan of slots than me now. Other than that, we're almost complete opposites - I have hobbies and friends she has nothing to do with and her likewise and that's served us well for 20 years. Even if he doesn't want to play, being a 1-man cheering section for your efforts whilst enjoying free drinks and not risking any of his own money sounds like a nice way to spend a couple of hours.

Hope he comes round to your way of thinking or at least understands a wee bit better that it's something you like. Anyone who would make you give up something you want to do or make you feel like you should consider it probably isn't a keeper.

Cheers,

Billy

[Mary9915]

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.

I have to say that this seems a bit possessive and / or insecure to me. To which I would try to make a deal with him...like I will be in the casino from 1 to 3 today...so he knows what you will be doing.

Ultimately though it may come down to what Gene said. Good luck and I hope you guys can come up with something that works for both of you

[goldengreeke]

I don't know if marriage is in your plans with him but if it is, the anger he has over your gambling will elevate ten fold.

Right now your relationship is in the courtship stage and he is just letting you know in subtle ways that he disapproves of your gambling but
if and when you are married, all hell will break loose!