Advice re significant others disapproving of gambling

[Slotdude]

You old romantic you...

I am not a laugh out loud kind of guy. And I don't know if its the wine with dinner talking, But I just laughed so hard for the last 3-4 minutes until tears came. My wife is just kinda looking at me.

thank you both @foamy @Wynnvegas

[Jen Jen]

I totally understand how you're feeling. Troy and I discovered gambling together. Eventually he kind of out grew it after losing all the time. Which I could totally understand. He already told me only 2 trips over the summer. AC and Reno, which I feel is a fair compromise. I just hope he would fall back in love with gambling so it won't be such a challenge when I want to go to the casinos.

I hope you two could come to a compromise so you both can enjoy Vegas.

[clemi]

Hi Dina
My advice would be to schedule your vacation to another destination. Perhaps a road trip that wouldn't involve pricy flight tickets?

I reread what your BF concerns were and it sounded like he's concerned that you'll spend too much time gambling. For whatever reason he's bringing this up now, it makes sense just to avoid the situation until he understands what you want from a Vegas vacation.

I wish you both the best and you both seem to be caring of each other.

My husband did not gamble and it took awhile for him to accept that gambling and Vegas were passions of mine and that it made me happy.

Wishing you the best outcome.

[DK528]

I think if you don't talk about it and just let Vegas flow as it comes. Don't drop the bags and run immediately to the casino, like anyone of us do..haha Like others have said, you will have to find the happy medium. As it is your interest, he will have to learn to accept it at some point. He does seem like a good guy, it's just that change of mentality of how it is considered entertainment and not just throwing money away that may take awhile to get used to. Good luck Dina!

Dina,

I have had similar situations, my gambling time is an escape from my routine daily life that I enjoy. I pay my bills and am responsible with my $$$ but my GF's have far less $$ that they are comfortable risking gambling, they would rather go buy a $300 purse etc...

I recommend always being honest, for me I gamble solo early in the morning, let her have leaisurely morning, return with a coffee and baileys then we go about our day in Vegas, at points during the day we will gamble together but we keep ourselves busy with activities and nice meals, shopping etc..I don't let the gambling deter from having a great couples vacation. I will nap at the pool while she suntans.

I do have my solo guys trips (That I recommend) where it is all about me and I blow off steam and golf drink too much etc. But it doesn't take away from the fact I love my time with GF but we don't need to be together 24/7.

I guess my point is a relationship is all about compromise. Don't let him be a DICK tator....

I agree with a lot of others here. I think its all about compromise and a happy medium in a relationship. I think you can make this trip work out for the both of you. I wish you a great time in Vegas and lots of Good Luck. Hope to meet you in AC this summer.

[QUOTE=Luckylinda123;109951]

I should also mention that he realizes it's something I enjoy doing and that he has to accept it. But it's been more difficult in practice than theory.

You actually know he doesn't have to accept it and will make you miserable if you continue to gamble.
With a Vegas vacation planned just a few weeks away you should be thinking of what a great time is coming with no worries.

Maybe some other Jokers will be in Vegas MDW and can entertain this young man while you're out herding the buffalo.

My Dr. Phil advise ..... Communicate, communicate, communicate. Is he aware of how concerned you are about this? You both need to sit down and formulate a compromise that you both can be happy with. He shouldn't want to change what makes you happy and you need to be respectful of his feelings. Being able to reach a compromise that works well for both of you will be the basis of many future compromises you'll need to make if this becomes a long term relationship. If he can't compromise on this it may be a sign that he won't compromise going forward. I really hope this works out for you! It's obvious that you like this guy and are hoping he may be " the one." I'm rooting for you!

One more thing. I made significantly more money than DH at the beginning of our marriage. It was very hard for him to deal with. We dealt with it by always discussing major purchases and making sure to budget our expenses together. This really is a hard issues for some men to deal with.



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I'm really hoping that we can talk about this and compromise. We've talked abt it alot ... and I think we're talking past each other. We view compromise differently. Cigar is one example. The beach is another. We talked about it today. He loves the Jersey shore and the beach; I don't love the beach. But we're probably going down to the shore this summer and I'm going to "suck it up" and am willing to spend as much time as he wants at the beach b/c I know he loves it .. and we're at the shore. He views compromise as since he knows I don't love the beach, we won't spend as much time there as he wants.

I also think I could be over-reacting based on the rest of our conversation today. He says he doesn't want me to stop gambling because of him and doesn't think he's said that before. I may have mis-heard him? Maybe he's upset with how I've phrased it in terms of it being a non-negotiable in Vegas.

We've gone on casino trips before and have had great times. I'm really hoping that we'll get there and this will be a non-issue (or a small issue) b/c we'll have other things to do and fun to be had. Including gambling some.

Trey, I've mentioned the forum but don't think it's the right time to bring it up again

Elf, it's an issue I've been aware about since the beginning of the relationship and I think I'm pretty sensitive about it. One of the issues in the relationship is that I can talk about my feelings/emotions easily and can recognize them (being a sensitive female; going to therapy) -- he just doesn't have a similar capacity. He's working on it but it's hard to know there are underlying issues but don't want to be the one to suggest these are the issues.

[dailun]

It is my experience that things like "gambling" is a "core value", and those are nearly impossible to change. Some other core value has to be changed in order to accept it.

I wish you the best, but I'm not optimistic. One of you is certain to be miserable.

[DK528]

Don't you just love all of us Dr Phils out here on the forum lol;

The thing that concerns me is that right now your money is your money, so he shouldn't really complain about how you spend it.

Once married ALL that changes. What use to be only YOUR money is now his money also and if you gamble with what he feels is HIS money....I see disaster.

I do love the advice you all are giving me I can't figure out how much of his issue is related to me spending my money. I think it's other things but both you and @slotbender picked up on that so maybe it is.

Honestly, I would cancel the Vegas vacay, then throw a fit and cry and make him feel guilty... Men won't admit it, but most of them are addicted to Big Drama, even more so than women - truth!!

You may be right! I hate drama. We've planned this vacation beginning Memorial Day Weekend so it's hard to now find an alternative locale that's not crazy expensive with airfare. I think we're going to try and make it work.

As foamy already said I rarely gambled for the first 18 years of our marriage. Just didn't enjoy it and was raised in a family where no one did. His family all did! I didn't mind staying home while he went to the casino with friends but it sounds like your BF would mind so that makes it harder. Not sure if you mentioned if he has been to LV before? Not a very fun destination for non-gamblers even with the shows, spas and dining because the gambling is so in your face.
After our Son moved out I went along just to get out on a Friday night and then I hit my first and only hand pay and was hooked. Our Son by the way hates gambling. He will do it on occasion if we go to a concert and he can enjoy a drink and cigar while low rolling. But it is really hard to get him to step foot in a casino and then it is only for a short time. The same way I used to be!
I would think he has some hobbies that you don't enjoy? Also thinking his view on spending all your time together will change eventually. You know him better than you can describe here to all of us so go with your instincts. He has to be willing to give you space or it most likely won't work between you IMO
There are enough people here that have proven it can work between you if you both don't enjoy gambling. Maybe try to get him to hang out in another place in the casino like watching games at a sportsbook or bar while you slot?

He was last in LV 10 years ago I think. He's starting to get excited about the trip, I think -- we have some fun things planned. He does gamble some -- when we've been together, he's lost his $ quickly and gets frustrated -- but yes, if we can get him a nice win, that would help He does play video poker while he smokes his cigars and one compromise will be that he does that while I'm slotting.

@Big Mac, you mentioned getting up early and gambling before your GF got up -- I'm the one who wakes up late in the relationship so it's not going to work here .. but it's a good suggestion

Jesus Dina, he's not making this easy!

As others have said, to pick Vegas as a destination, knowing your slot hobby, then expecting you not to do it is a bit out of order. I suspect that you're right and that you earning significantly more than him is a big part of the issue. I absolutely don't see a way of bringing that up that ends at all well though. Feeling "less than", if it is the case, is something that will likely eat away at someone and the only thing worse is having a partner bring it right into the open. However genuine and well meaning your insistence that it isn't an issue, it will come across to someone who doesn't want to hear it as condescension.

Sorry you're in such a no-win position here. I hope he comes to his senses and starts acting more reasonably sharpish.

Cheers,

Billy

Yeah, I don't think I can bring up the income issue. I don't plan to. I think he thought I'd gamble some over our Vegas trip but was taken aback when I said "i have to gamble every day." I meant it in the sense that it's osmething i like to do, we're in Vegas, and we're staying on my offers so there's some play expected. I shouldn't have phrased it that way unfortunately and he felt like we'll be off having a great time, and I'll say "oh i have to leave to gamble." I've assured him that won't happen but I don't know if he believes me.

This is not something to take lightly and you seem to really care for this guy. One lessen that life has taught me - you have to change because You want the change...not for someone else. Today it's gambling, tomorrow it could other hobbies/your friends. Don't set that precedence so you won't end up resenting your decisions or him. Good luck with your conversation tonight. At least he is open to trying to figure it out. I do however agree with those that suggest another vacation location...temptation is a bitch.

I am glad we can talk about it -- I just hope we can figure out the root cause of the issue b/c right now I don't know and he can't explain what bothers him about it. I don't want to set that precedent about changing either.

Have you guys been dating for over a year? he should still be more concerned about going down on you still then trying to change your hobbys. Lol maybe ask him if he had a bad experience with gambling on the past or some relative etc...

Hahaha. Yup, only 9 months. I don't think there's a bad experience with gambling - either him or a relative. His mom actually slots but is a low-roller and he's never expressed any issue about it. He shared a photo with me that she took of a nice win at one of the PA casinos.

His text is just wrong, will he insist on you not going away for your girls weekends or to SNC concerts because it takes time away from him? It's a hobby, you do very infrequently, that should not bother him. My guess, as others have said, is that it may be a money and insecurity issue, more than a gambling issue.
Also, he picked Vegas! What did he think people did there? It would be like Adam telling me we were going to Disney World but saying I couldn't go on any of the rides!
And being someone that has met him in person, at a casino, he did not seem bothered to be in a casino and was very nice (I suspect one big exciting slot win may be what he needs to like it more).
Also, even if gambling habits may change down the line (with a new job, kids, etc. as you mentioned) it has to be on your terms, not something he dictates. You have to be comfortable being yourself and he should adore you for that, not try to change what he doesn't like or agree with.
I'm going to show this to Adam later and get his take on it also since he was not as into slotting when we met but has come around! Lol!
I don't envy the situation he put you in, you aren't going to go to Vegas and not gamble.

I know! He hasn't seem that bothered in a casino! We have had fun gambling together before. And I figure with Vegas, there's much more to do than in AC or Mohegan and so we'll have a blast. I'm really hoping this dissipates somewhat once we're there and adrenaline is flowing and we're excited about vacation. I still don't get the independence issue but its something we've talked about and he's come around on it pretty easily actually. He can be molded

I hate to say this but he is itching for a fight if he hates gambling so much why would he pick Vegas? He also stated he wouldn't let anything come before us but he is what he should have said is you can't let anything come between us. I understand that we won't win gambling and many people have had big problems with gambling but many have not.

Yeah, I don't understand the itching for a fight bit -- I may also be egging it on because I like logic and reason and since he can't explain why it bothers him, I keep on pushing him for an explanation, which frustrates him.

[DK528]

This reminds me of when I was young I was dating a girl and picked her up one Friday night. I was happy and told her I couldn't wait till tommorrow she said why I said pheasant and quail season opens and I'm going hunting she informed me I wasn't going cause she didn't like hunting so I went around the block pulled in her driveway and said get the fuck out cause I'm going hunting in the morning she started whining about I can't believe you won't give it up for me I said well I won't so see ya later.

Haha, that's great. I'm not at that point yet but you never know

What I see is that he is taking the problem that he has with gambling, and making it sound like you have a problem. If it's not so damn important to him, why is he making such a big deal out of it? His issue with it is what is coming between you.

That sounded harsh I think, but I fear this is more about control than about gambling. I think that you need to get to the root of things, and I don't think it's gambling.

I agree, Chris, but it's not something he's understanding. I do think it's partly a control issue which is something we can talk about (delicately) -- it may wait until after the trip at this point. We sort of agreed to table this discussion until after our trip. I hope it sticks

Tell David to get his head out of his ass & put on his big boy pants & get with the program. If he wants to control you or make you feel guilty about gambling then maybe he's not the one for you. Plenty of fish in the sea that enjoy gambling that will accept you for who you are.
Sorry to sound so harsh but that is how I Feel DK !!!


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Let's review the facts for a second Dina. You met at a casino but he does not approve of gambling. You let him choose a vacation destination & he chooses Las Vegas but he does not approve of gambling. Just tell me who goes to a casino without any intention of gambling ?
Party atmosphere excites him ? Why the hell should there be such an issue when he obviously likes the casino atmosphere ?
Him smoking cigars is gross and think he would give them up for you if you nagged him about it ?
Probably Not !!! Nuff Said !!!


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Thanks for the real talk, Darrell -- and I'm being serious. He has many many other great qualities so I'm not ready to throw him back in the ocean yet. He actually probably wouldn't bring cigars on the trip with us if I said something -- so I don't want to risk that gamble I think he picked Vegas because we've had so much fun in AC and it's a bigger, more fun AC. We have lots of fun ideas for the trip that don't directly involve gambling so yes, I do think he picked it thinking I wouldn't spend so much time gambling.

I had Adam read this and here's his take on it; he said georgiagambler's reply would be what he would write. He also said he should stop being a baby about this and not bring it up. He also thinks he's testing you by picking Vegas to see if you'll choose him over gambling (which is shitty). It seems like he's trying to control you.

Yup, I've suspected that too. He had issues with his ex-wife (which I don't really want to get into) and so I think he brings those into our relationship. Which isn't fair b/c I've made him a priority in my life these 9 months. While I'm hesitant to bring up other things, I'm okay calling BS on this one.

The fact that he doesn't understand why it's important enough that you have to talk about it sounds like a really big issue. I don't get the impression that he will be accepting or understanding that this is a hobby that you enjoy which seems like it is something you will always fight about. I don't think this thread is the first time you mentioned this as an issue so it really is a big deal.

The reason it is important to discuss is because it is important to you. It's not about gambling, it's about him trying to dictate what he wants to "allow" you to do. I'm not saying he is a bad guy, but it sounds like he is not willing to compromise and accept that this is something you enjoy doing and plan to continue to enjoy. I honestly hope that you don't quit to make him happy. But as already stated, it is something you just need to put on the table and discuss. It could be something as point blank to ask if he expects you to quit completely. While I enjoy doing things as a couple with my boyfriend, we also have things that we do and enjoy separately. He has time with his friends alone and I have times with my friends alone (gambling or not gambling) I don't think that should stop just because you are in a relationship. If he no longer wants you to do anything with your friends (without him), I think your issue is bigger than gambling. The issue is control or insecurity.

I still wish the best for you and hope that it works out but you really have to talk about it and get it closed one way or another.

If my BF told me to choose between him and gambling, I would choose gambling. Not because gambling is that important, but because of the principal.

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I have been in a relationship before with someone who hated gambling but had never even been to a casino or so he said. I still gambled. It was my money. We wound up breaking up (not because of this but because he was a cheater). One day I was at the casino in Oklahoma and was on my way out the door and who did I see stuffing a machine with money, along side his new girlfriend. I guess he learned to like it huh lol. Seriously though, your relationship is still new and you said that it's been awhile since you've been in a serious relationship. I know that probably makes it hard because you don't want to ruin it but I just feel that when a person really cares for you they will accept your differences and give you your space. You should be able to gamble and vacation with your friends if you want. I bet he wouldn't stop doing something he loved doing just because you didn't like it. It's gambling now, what will it be later?

Thanks, GG and lady luck -- it's something we've worked on and he's actually made progress in the non-gambling aspects -- I think the control or wanting me to pick him over something else has to do with past relationships as I mentioned above -- and it could be better to phrase it that way when talking about it, then only criticizing him about it. At least that's what I'm hoping.

It's not your problem . . . . it's HIS problem. It's something you like to do that doesn't impinge (affect) your lifestyle. It's something that you like to do with your E.I. (expendable income).

I hate to say it, but this sounds like a major sticking point in your relationship.

Thanks, dailun. I'm hoping it's not but it's definitely caused drama these last couple months on and off.

I think Adam is right. It feels like he is testing you. Why pick Vegas as the destination at all if it makes him so uncomfortable? You work hard and should be able to do whatever you want with your money, no justifications necessary. And you shouldn't have to give up something you love (regardless of what it is) to keep him happy.
I don't want to overstep here but you mentioned that he's your first serious bf in many many years. I hope that you don't feel like you have to settle for this guy.
All in all, I hope that you can work it out before the trip. Would be a shame to waste time arguing or feeling uncomfortable on your trip, especially since you worked hard all year and this is somewhat of a reward.

Thanks, SME. While he's my first serious boyfriend in a while, I don't feel like I'm settling at all. This really has been the only issue so far and I think it's been exacerbated b/c he's not comfortable figuring out his emotions so can't really explain it and so I egg him on for more info.

I totally understand how you're feeling. Troy and I discovered gambling together. Eventually he kind of out grew it after losing all the time. Which I could totally understand. He already told me only 2 trips over the summer. AC and Reno, which I feel is a fair compromise. I just hope he would fall back in love with gambling so it won't be such a challenge when I want to go to the casinos.

I hope you two could come to a compromise so you both can enjoy Vegas.

Thanks Jen. I'm definitely willing to compromise and I think I've expressed on here (or SF) in the past that I don't love seeing my W/L statements at the end of the year -- this could be a good impetus to at least reduce my exposure to losing $$.

Hi Dina
My advice would be to schedule your vacation to another destination. Perhaps a road trip that wouldn't involve pricy flight tickets?

I reread what your BF concerns were and it sounded like he's concerned that you'll spend too much time gambling. For whatever reason he's bringing this up now, it makes sense just to avoid the situation until he understands what you want from a Vegas vacation.

I wish you both the best and you both seem to be caring of each other.

My husband did not gamble and it took awhile for him to accept that gambling and Vegas were passions of mine and that it made me happy.

Wishing you the best outcome.

Clemi, I've brought it up several times as an option and I've been met with "no, I'll feel awful for switching our vacation based on this stupid thing." He realizes (at least a little) that it's irrational for him to be so upset about this but it just escalates if i'm being stubborn about it. I'm considering switching one of our reservations (Aria & Cosmo) to a non-casino hotel as a compromise, which I think could be a good alternative.

I agree that it seems like he's worried about me spending too much time gambling. I don't know what else to say other than "I'm going to be limiting my time gambling to an hour or two each day" -- maybe that i won't? or I won't every day? That's why switching to Vdara or MO could be a good option for us. I'll raise it again this weekend.

[DK528]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I don't want to bash him completely. He is a very nice, kind, funny guy.

We've gone back and forth all day about this. We know each other's positions. He realizes he's not expressing himself well -- he said he's trying to express love and I'm taking it as an attack. What I think he means by that is that he's excited for the trip, can't wait to spend that much time together, and doesn't want me disappearing for big chunks of the day. I get that. And I think I'll be extremely sensitive about it. And hopefully that will be good enough for now.

[clemi]

Clemi, I've brought it up several times as an option and I've been met with "no, I'll feel awful for switching our vacation based on this stupid thing." He realizes (at least a little) that it's irrational for him to be so upset about this but it just escalates if i'm being stubborn about it. I'm considering switching one of our reservations (Aria & Cosmo) to a non-casino hotel as a compromise, which I think could be a good alternative.

I agree that it seems like he's worried about me spending too much time gambling. I don't know what else to say other than "I'm going to be limiting my time gambling to an hour or two each day" -- maybe that i won't? or I won't every day? That's why switching to Vdara or MO could be a good option for us. I'll raise it again this weekend.

MO or Vdara sound like fabulous options! Add in some nice restaurants and a show and he'll see that Vegas is much more than gambling... Will you be happy with either of these properties? I've always wanted to stay at MO, hoping you consider it

[pkspins]

I just read all of what everyone wrote just now and it looks like you are responding still but I think this is a control issue.
Take that "it's gambling" with all the negative connotations that some put on it, take the financial issues out of it, etc..
It's something that you like to do, something that is not negatively affecting your life at all, and you are going on vacation to one of the premier destinations in the world for that activity, a destination that he chose, and he's giving you shit about wanting to partake in that activity while you are there??? After he met you in a casino??????

You also mentioned something I think about him reacting oddly to you talking about trips with your friends? That you thought might have been because he doesn't have a lot of discretionary income?

I am just seeing red flags with a lot of this. I'm sad about that. I only know the details about him from this thread.

I would just try to think about his behaviors and reactions taking the financial differences out of the equation and thinking about in in terms of your "hobby" being something else and not gambling.