Advice re significant others disapproving of gambling

[MNvegasgal]

Dina, I want to say that from following your past reports and your current travels, you seem to have already curtailed your gambling quite a bit. You have to find you happy medium. I don't think his comments are fair.. When he picked Las Vegas. I do think it will take a sit down heart to heart. He might not understand that the rooms may be technically free.. But if he wants to come back sometime, you need that play to. Continue the relationship. Put down on paper the cost of the rooms at normal booking price and any perks you receive so he can see the value add. Maybe you can put a time frame on solo gaming (send him for a massage for a few hours). My DH enjoys Vegas for the golf, sports betting and craps.. I like the spas food and slots. Totally different likes but the place works for both of us. I wish you the best as you filter through all this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Georgiagambler]

Most non gamblers truly don't understand. I think you should just be honest with him about how it makes you feel. I would say this is something that you enjoy doing and he needs to accept that just as I'm sure there may be things about him that you don't like but choose to accept because you care for him. I would not go to Vegas for the vacation if the expectation is that you will not gamble at all, choose another destination. It would be torture to be in my happy place and not be able to do things that make me happy. Money is a very big issue in many marriages and I think a critical issue to talk about when/if you think the relationship could go towards marriage. I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do with money you earn from your hard work. As long as you are not borrowing money from them to support your gambling, it's not for them to complain about. I'm sure you don't tell them how to spend their money. I don't think you can make anyone enjoy gambling that just doesn't get it but I think they should still respect that you do enjoy it. I wish you good luck in the relationship but I think the best way to handle is simply being honest about it. I don't think you should quit gambling unless you are doing for yourself or you will end up resenting him. You shouldn't have to change yourself to make someone else happy.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[charlie50]

Hi everyone, I am hoping someone here has had a similar situation and can offer some advice or words of encouragement. And I'll apologize in advance for the length of the post.

I met my bf in AC last summer. I've been pretty upfront since about my gambling since then.

We're going on vacation in a month. I may have mentioned this -- I got a great bonus at work this year, it's the first year I haven't had to put the bulk of it to student loans, and so I want to treat us to a vacation. I proposed that I'd pick up the big-ticket items (hotel and air) and he could pick the destination. He picked Vegas -- back in February. Since then, it's been a semi-constant issue for us and I just don't know what to do and I'm also sick of being defensive.

He doesn't like the idea that I said I would "have to" gamble each day we're there. I think I phrased it poorly with the "have to" but I meant it more that I like to gamble, we're going to be in Vegas and we're going to be staying at these fantastic hotels on my comps, so there was play expected too. I did say that I expect to gamble only an hour or two each day since there's plenty of other stuff we'll want to do there. I've offered also to switch to staying at a non-casino hotel or staying at the places we're booked at ... not through my offers.

I think, quite honestly, that he thinks I have a gambling problem. I think that stems mainly from my personality which borders on obsessive (ha) and so when I find something I like (straight no chaser, Mets & Rangers, slotting, my friends even) I really put a lot of effort in or I learn a lot about it or get excited about it. So he sees me get excited about the offers I receive or if we're at the casino, seeing a high progressive on 88 fortunes and wanting to play that machine, and is uncomfortable with that. It doesn't help that I told him my mom disapproves too.

But I think it's really more my personality type than me having a problem (let me know if you disagree). I'm incredibly responsible with my money otherwise ... and I'm also very generous with it -- with my siblings mainly but also with him.

Last night it came up again and he phrased it as -- "we're going on our first vacation together, I want to spend that whole week with you, and I'm going to be sitting there wondering when you're leaving me to go gamble." The initial sentiment is sweet but I also think that's unfair.

I don't mean to portray him in such a bad light -- he really is a great guy otherwise -- but I don't want this to ruin our trip or to irreparably harm our relationship. One solution could be for me not to gamble there but I think that's unfair -- it's something I like to do and we're in Vegas of all places.

So .... this is a long way of asking -- has anyone on this great forum dealt with a similar situation? I'd love to hear any words of wisdom. The answer isn't breaking up with him over this -- he's more important to me than gambling so probably the longer-term effect of this could be less gambling -- but at the moment, I want to make sure our first vacation together is a good one. The answer could be to tell him to get over himself already -- he's certainly a baby in certain respects -- I'll give you that

Thanks!!

I can relate to this .i see it this way .did you gamble before you meeting him (im betting Yes)did you tell him about your gambling habit during the time you where dating( im betting Yes Again ) to be blunt id say deal with it as long as its your $$$ that your using he shouldn't care .BUT ! (& here's the but ) ya still gotta set time aside to do things with him that are not gambling related .

[Nhcris]

@DK528, this is tough one for sure! I've been with my husband since 1975 and he hates gambling. Long story, but one of his grandfathers had a terrible gambling problem so he grew up thinking it was one of the biggest evils there is. I practically grew up at the racetrack, and it was just accepted as the norm in my family.

I just wrote our life story, and decided it was way too self indulgent and overkill, anyway - HHH. The bottom line is, he loves me and trusts my judgement and is able to accept that gambling is something I love. But, since he doesn't enjoy it (or even approve of it) it is something I do without him. Luckily, he has found some things he really enjoys that bore me to tears. For us, it works well to have these separate interests.

I know some couples are joined at the hip and do absolutely everything together and I think that is wonderful. But loving happy couples can also have completely different interests and spend time separately enjoying those things, and still have a fabulous relationship.

I don't think that changing who you are, or giving up the things that you love, is the answer. And hoping that he will come around and enjoy gambling is a long shot, IMO.

If it were me, I think I would shit can the Vegas vacation and go somewhere without gambling, or where gambling isn't so 'in your face' as Vegas, for this first vacation together. I know you really like him, so I hope you can talk it through and find the right balance.

[Curlyd]

Wow I have no words of wisdom, sorry. But there is a lot of good advice here!!!!!

[Jeani]

Dina you are smart and from what I've read from your TR's you handle your BR nicely and don't seem to spend more than your budget allows.
Most of us play slots because it is entertainment and a non-thinking, relaxing activity. It's FUN. I wish you the best but I know one thing that a few have said here and that is don't change for anyone. You appear to really enjoy playing slots and going to different resorts, concerts, nice dinners and meeting up with Jokers and other friends. I hope y'all kind find a nice middle ground especially if y'all think you might have a future together. Good Luck

[DK528]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try and group your helpful posts into categories so I can respond using my phone .

Some people just don't get the gambling thing. They can't understand why we like to do it with hard earned money.
This will most likely never change.
In Japan often the husband and wife take separate vacations. A custom maybe to adopt in usa.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

When I first met my husband he was the exact same way. Good guy but just didn't understand why I liked to gamble. It never was a big issue because I told him that this is what I like do. If he wanted to marry me, this is a part of who I am. He is a gamer and loves all things electronics and spends his money on stuff like that. At first, I would go on my trips with friends or solo. He started coming on some trips and we would hang out, do non gambling stuff but he understood that I would gamble how long I wanted without feeling pressured. Fast forward 14 years, he still doesn't gamble anything like I do but we just learned to compromise on stuff.

The one thing I can advise is to try and find a happy medium between you two. If this is something you truly don't want to give up, address it now or farther down the road, it may become a problem between you two. Hope that helps.

@DK528, this is tough one for sure! I've been with my husband since 1975 and he hates gambling. Long story, but one of his grandfathers had a terrible gambling problem so he grew up thinking it was one of the biggest evils there is. I practically grew up at the racetrack, and it was just accepted as the norm in my family.

I just wrote our life story, and decided it was way too self indulgent and overkill, anyway - HHH. The bottom line is, he loves me and trusts my judgement and is able to accept that gambling is something I love. But, since he doesn't enjoy it (or even approve of it) it is something I do without him. Luckily, he has found some things he really enjoys that bore me to tears. For us, it works well to have these separate interests.

I know some couples are joined at the hip and do absolutely everything together and I think that is wonderful. But loving happy couples can also have completely different interests and spend time separately enjoying those things, and still have a fabulous relationship.

I don't think that changing who you are, or giving up the things that you love, is the answer. And hoping that he will come around and enjoy gambling is a long shot, IMO.

If it were me, I think I would shit can the Vegas vacation and go somewhere without gambling, or where gambling isn't so 'in your face' as Vegas, for this first vacation together. I know you really like him, so I hope you can talk it through and find the right balance.

I am definitely way more independent than he is. Both of my full sisters are too - we like our alone time and have no qualms about doing things on our own. He's not as into that as I am.

So the idea that I would do this without him is fine with me. Except for two things - we actually had two great, fun trips to AC in October and January where I gambled a fair amount and we had a great time. When I went solo in March I missed him - it was just different going with him.

The second thing is that he has a different perspective on couples doing things apart. He just does. Obviously we won't be joined at the hip forever but when I've mentioned the idea of a girls vacation, he doesn't understand. I think that relates to not having many vacation days in previous jobs and also that he doesn't has as much discretionary income as I do - so he doesn't share the perspective of having enough $$ to go on trips with him and with my friends.

Another example may be illustrative. He loves to smoke cigars and do so ocCasionally. I cannot stand the smell. I'm perfectly content for him to go smoke a cigar for an hour and be apart. I know he enjoys it but I can't be around it. I wouldn't want him to stop doing it so when we're in Vegas, I want him to enjoy that and I'm ok with us being apart for that period of time.

[DK528]

I will give you a short and sweet answer. Give up gambling or give up him.

I thought you met at a casino?

Is he exhibiting any insecurity issues about your other activities (yet)?

It's sooo important you get to do things you like without some guilt trip from your partner. Resentment destroys relationships. Are you going to be able to enjoy yourself in Vegas slotting alone knowing he's scowling about it?

Ultimately Gene's answer may be what it comes down to.

I have to say that this seems a bit possessive and / or insecure to me. To which I would try to make a deal with him...like I will be in the casino from 1 to 3 today...so he knows what you will be doing.

Ultimately though it may come down to what Gene said. Good luck and I hope you guys can come up with something that works for both of you

I don't know if marriage is in your plans with him but if it is, the anger he has over your gambling will elevate ten fold.

Right now your relationship is in the courtship stage and he is just letting you know in subtle ways that he disapproves of your gambling but
if and when you are married, all hell will break loose!

Trey, we did meet at a casino - borgata! He was in AC for a bachelor party and I was there for my annual trip with my friends to see the a cappella group. I also don't know if I'll be able to enjoy my gambling time in Vegas this trip. I'll feel pressure to get it done quickly.

He's not insecure about other things I do. But he has definitely expressed disapproval about this. And when I think about if I would give up gambling to stay in the relationship, I have two conflicting thoughts:

1. I probably would resent it and him a little bit. Maybe I'm being stubborn but I can't understand why he's so bothered by it - it's my money and I'm responsible with it!

2. If this does continue and lead to marriage and kids, I probably will heavily curtail my gambling anyways bc of budget and timing issues. Combined with if I take almost any other job than the one I have at a big law firm, my salary will decrease severely. So it may be inevitable that the issue could resolve itself on its own.

Mary, I thought I did that when I said "yes I'll be gambling some every day but it'll only be an hour or two." I thought that was upfront but a concession in terms of time. But he saw it as "no matter if I'm having a good time with you, I'll have to leave you to gamble."

[DK528]

That is for you two decide if you can find some middle ground but if there is a problem it won't get better till you address it completely. Laurie hardly ever gambled till our son went to college one time I won a bunch and told her "I was going to spllit it with you but you have been disrespectful" huge mistake. hhh Just trying to add a little levity. But you will figure it out I'm sure.

What's hard for me is that he can't articulate specifically what bothers him other than it worries him that I get excited about it and as a former smoker, he's worried abt me being addicted to it. Maybe that's enough - haha. But I suspect it also has to do with the difference in our incomes and I don't want to be the one to bring that up first.

Hi Dina,

Firstly, gambling, to my mind anyway, is problematic when your cash goes in slot machines as opposed to paying your bills. That it's your money and your choice what to do with it is plenty justification. I have the same type A personality and go headlong into things so completely understand your obsession.

I think you should try again to get him into it. Moyra had never gambled before we went to Vegas and has never gambled outside American casinos but it's a fun hobby for us and she's as big, if not a bigger, fan of slots than me now. Other than that, we're almost complete opposites - I have hobbies and friends she has nothing to do with and her likewise and that's served us well for 20 years. Even if he doesn't want to play, being a 1-man cheering section for your efforts whilst enjoying free drinks and not risking any of his own money sounds like a nice way to spend a couple of hours.

Hope he comes round to your way of thinking or at least understands a wee bit better that it's something you like. Anyone who would make you give up something you want to do or make you feel like you should consider it probably isn't a keeper.

Cheers,

Billy

that's a great idea about him being my cheering squad, Billy, and I suggested something similar - esp bc Aria and Cosmo have such great free drinks. He said something abt feeling uncomfortable seeing me feed machines money. But maybe he can get past that at times so we can slot together - Cosmo has some machines with those big comfy seats.

Dina, I want to say that from following your past reports and your current travels, you seem to have already curtailed your gambling quite a bit. You have to find you happy medium. I don't think his comments are fair.. When he picked Las Vegas. I do think it will take a sit down heart to heart. He might not understand that the rooms may be technically free.. But if he wants to come back sometime, you need that play to. Continue the relationship. Put down on paper the cost of the rooms at normal booking price and any perks you receive so he can see the value add. Maybe you can put a time frame on solo gaming (send him for a massage for a few hours). My DH enjoys Vegas for the golf, sports betting and craps.. I like the spas food and slots. Totally different likes but the place works for both of us. I wish you the best as you filter through all this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks Cece. I've tried explaining the comps to him. And as a non-gambler, he doesn't get it. He'll say "you're gambling with thousands of dollars to get a free $300 room." And I'll respond with "no, I'm gambling at the levels I'm comfortable gambling at, bc I enjoy it, and j get these free things as a result." So we talk past each other about it.

Most non gamblers truly don't understand. I think you should just be honest with him about how it makes you feel. I would say this is something that you enjoy doing and he needs to accept that just as I'm sure there may be things about him that you don't like but choose to accept because you care for him. I would not go to Vegas for the vacation if the expectation is that you will not gamble at all, choose another destination. It would be torture to be in my happy place and not be able to do things that make me happy. Money is a very big issue in many marriages and I think a critical issue to talk about when/if you think the relationship could go towards marriage. I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do with money you earn from your hard work. As long as you are not borrowing money from them to support your gambling, it's not for them to complain about. I'm sure you don't tell them how to spend their money. I don't think you can make anyone enjoy gambling that just doesn't get it but I think they should still respect that you do enjoy it. I wish you good luck in the relationship but I think the best way to handle is simply being honest about it. I don't think you should quit gambling unless you are doing for yourself or you will end up resenting him. You shouldn't have to change yourself to make someone else happy.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thanks GG. I have suggested on a few occasions that we switch our vacation spot as a result of these convos. And he said he would feel terrible if we did that bc of this issue, which he acknowledges he should accept.

And I don't tell him how to spend his $. I bit my tongue on numerous occasions this spring when he was moving into a new place and spent a ton on new furnishing - even though we've started discussing moving in together and I have some quality furniture already that he really likes.

I can relate to this .i see it this way .did you gamble before you meeting him (im betting Yes)did you tell him about your gambling habit during the time you where dating( im betting Yes Again ) to be blunt id say deal with it as long as its your $$$ that your using he shouldn't care .BUT ! (& here's the but ) ya still gotta set time aside to do things with him that are not gambling related .

Exactly Charlie. He knew this from the beginning. I remember him saying he was intimidated the night he met me for three reasons - I'm a lawyer, I live in Manhattan and I have a borgata black card! I would hope that the jokers who have met me would not think I'm intimidating!

[DK528]

Dina you are smart and from what I've read from your TR's you handle your BR nicely and don't seem to spend more than your budget allows.
Most of us play slots because it is entertainment and a non-thinking, relaxing activity. It's FUN. I wish you the best but I know one thing that a few have said here and that is don't change for anyone. You appear to really enjoy playing slots and going to different resorts, concerts, nice dinners and meeting up with Jokers and other friends. I hope y'all kind find a nice middle ground especially if y'all think you might have a future together. Good Luck

Thanks Jeani. I'm hoping it works out with this. I can't imagine losing my first serious boyfriend in many many years over something I do once every couple of months and with a small portion of my income!

Wow I have no words of wisdom, sorry. But there is a lot of good advice here!!!!!

Thanks for the note at least and I agree, lots of good advice!