Advice re significant others disapproving of gambling

[DK528]

Don't you just love all of us Dr Phils out here on the forum lol;

The thing that concerns me is that right now your money is your money, so he shouldn't really complain about how you spend it.

Once married ALL that changes. What use to be only YOUR money is now his money also and if you gamble with what he feels is HIS money....I see disaster.

I do love the advice you all are giving me I can't figure out how much of his issue is related to me spending my money. I think it's other things but both you and @slotbender picked up on that so maybe it is.

Honestly, I would cancel the Vegas vacay, then throw a fit and cry and make him feel guilty... Men won't admit it, but most of them are addicted to Big Drama, even more so than women - truth!!

You may be right! I hate drama. We've planned this vacation beginning Memorial Day Weekend so it's hard to now find an alternative locale that's not crazy expensive with airfare. I think we're going to try and make it work.

As foamy already said I rarely gambled for the first 18 years of our marriage. Just didn't enjoy it and was raised in a family where no one did. His family all did! I didn't mind staying home while he went to the casino with friends but it sounds like your BF would mind so that makes it harder. Not sure if you mentioned if he has been to LV before? Not a very fun destination for non-gamblers even with the shows, spas and dining because the gambling is so in your face.
After our Son moved out I went along just to get out on a Friday night and then I hit my first and only hand pay and was hooked. Our Son by the way hates gambling. He will do it on occasion if we go to a concert and he can enjoy a drink and cigar while low rolling. But it is really hard to get him to step foot in a casino and then it is only for a short time. The same way I used to be!
I would think he has some hobbies that you don't enjoy? Also thinking his view on spending all your time together will change eventually. You know him better than you can describe here to all of us so go with your instincts. He has to be willing to give you space or it most likely won't work between you IMO
There are enough people here that have proven it can work between you if you both don't enjoy gambling. Maybe try to get him to hang out in another place in the casino like watching games at a sportsbook or bar while you slot?

He was last in LV 10 years ago I think. He's starting to get excited about the trip, I think -- we have some fun things planned. He does gamble some -- when we've been together, he's lost his $ quickly and gets frustrated -- but yes, if we can get him a nice win, that would help He does play video poker while he smokes his cigars and one compromise will be that he does that while I'm slotting.

@Big Mac, you mentioned getting up early and gambling before your GF got up -- I'm the one who wakes up late in the relationship so it's not going to work here .. but it's a good suggestion

Jesus Dina, he's not making this easy!

As others have said, to pick Vegas as a destination, knowing your slot hobby, then expecting you not to do it is a bit out of order. I suspect that you're right and that you earning significantly more than him is a big part of the issue. I absolutely don't see a way of bringing that up that ends at all well though. Feeling "less than", if it is the case, is something that will likely eat away at someone and the only thing worse is having a partner bring it right into the open. However genuine and well meaning your insistence that it isn't an issue, it will come across to someone who doesn't want to hear it as condescension.

Sorry you're in such a no-win position here. I hope he comes to his senses and starts acting more reasonably sharpish.

Cheers,

Billy

Yeah, I don't think I can bring up the income issue. I don't plan to. I think he thought I'd gamble some over our Vegas trip but was taken aback when I said "i have to gamble every day." I meant it in the sense that it's osmething i like to do, we're in Vegas, and we're staying on my offers so there's some play expected. I shouldn't have phrased it that way unfortunately and he felt like we'll be off having a great time, and I'll say "oh i have to leave to gamble." I've assured him that won't happen but I don't know if he believes me.

This is not something to take lightly and you seem to really care for this guy. One lessen that life has taught me - you have to change because You want the change...not for someone else. Today it's gambling, tomorrow it could other hobbies/your friends. Don't set that precedence so you won't end up resenting your decisions or him. Good luck with your conversation tonight. At least he is open to trying to figure it out. I do however agree with those that suggest another vacation location...temptation is a bitch.

I am glad we can talk about it -- I just hope we can figure out the root cause of the issue b/c right now I don't know and he can't explain what bothers him about it. I don't want to set that precedent about changing either.

Have you guys been dating for over a year? he should still be more concerned about going down on you still then trying to change your hobbys. Lol maybe ask him if he had a bad experience with gambling on the past or some relative etc...

Hahaha. Yup, only 9 months. I don't think there's a bad experience with gambling - either him or a relative. His mom actually slots but is a low-roller and he's never expressed any issue about it. He shared a photo with me that she took of a nice win at one of the PA casinos.

His text is just wrong, will he insist on you not going away for your girls weekends or to SNC concerts because it takes time away from him? It's a hobby, you do very infrequently, that should not bother him. My guess, as others have said, is that it may be a money and insecurity issue, more than a gambling issue.
Also, he picked Vegas! What did he think people did there? It would be like Adam telling me we were going to Disney World but saying I couldn't go on any of the rides!
And being someone that has met him in person, at a casino, he did not seem bothered to be in a casino and was very nice (I suspect one big exciting slot win may be what he needs to like it more).
Also, even if gambling habits may change down the line (with a new job, kids, etc. as you mentioned) it has to be on your terms, not something he dictates. You have to be comfortable being yourself and he should adore you for that, not try to change what he doesn't like or agree with.
I'm going to show this to Adam later and get his take on it also since he was not as into slotting when we met but has come around! Lol!
I don't envy the situation he put you in, you aren't going to go to Vegas and not gamble.

I know! He hasn't seem that bothered in a casino! We have had fun gambling together before. And I figure with Vegas, there's much more to do than in AC or Mohegan and so we'll have a blast. I'm really hoping this dissipates somewhat once we're there and adrenaline is flowing and we're excited about vacation. I still don't get the independence issue but its something we've talked about and he's come around on it pretty easily actually. He can be molded

I hate to say this but he is itching for a fight if he hates gambling so much why would he pick Vegas? He also stated he wouldn't let anything come before us but he is what he should have said is you can't let anything come between us. I understand that we won't win gambling and many people have had big problems with gambling but many have not.

Yeah, I don't understand the itching for a fight bit -- I may also be egging it on because I like logic and reason and since he can't explain why it bothers him, I keep on pushing him for an explanation, which frustrates him.